Message to Boston Guy

Bell Guy and I have been progressing and I’ll blog about that later. Tonight it was time to tell Boston Guy and this message to him was the hardest thing I’ve had to do since I came out to my wife. (Ironically that happened and this blog was born exactly three months ago today.) Why does being happy have to make me feel so sad?

Dear (Boston Guy),

It is only fair that I let you know that I met someone a week ago. It was just a date but I really like him and he really likes me. We’ve been out a few times now and I expect things will continue to get serious. I am happy.

I really wasn’t expecting this to happen so soon but it did. When we agreed that I needed to date, I somehow thought (actually hoped) that I’d have many first dates and they wouldn’t work out and that we’d somehow find a way to make things work, even with the distance between us. I guys that is why writing this is so difficult. We always said if it was meant to be, it would be. I still believe that.

I don’t know where we’ve been the last two months. We haven’t chatted much and, although I know you’ve been busy, I hoped for more, especially when I sent you the flowers or even a stupid random text. I feel like I tried as hard as I could but always hoped things would be fine.

I told you a long time ago that you’d always be special to me and that is probably why the tears flow as I type this. You’ll always truly be a part of me and who I have become and I thank you eternally for that. I think you know that. Over two years is a long time and I will forever cherish the visit we had and you consistently assuring me that me being gay wasn’t wrong. I’ve come so far and learned so much from you. I was just a shy curious guy a couple years and now look at me. I’ve come so far and you were responsible for almost all of it. Few people will ever really realize that about me but I’ll never forget it.

I am very proud of you for your accomplishments in school and you deserve the very best in life. I hope that all of your dreams, personal and professional, come true.

While this may sound like a goodbye, it is far from it. We’ve talked about remaining friends forever and I hope that we do that. I am very sincere when I say that and I look forward to talking to you soon.

Love,
Eliot

Read Full Post »

Boys Update

A qick update on the boys in my life.

Sox Guy: I still chat with him regularly. He told his father Tuesday that he thought he might be gay but was not sure. I thought this was a huge step for him. He said he wants to date guys and girls for now and I guess that is reasonable. I do have the feeling that he is in denial, and not having doubts, but he will work through that on his own schedule. He still wants to meet on Sunday and I haven’t decided if I am going to do that. Part of me thinks that getting out and meeting other guys does wonders for my shyness but part of me thinks it is a waste of time in this case. That said, I think I’m going to try to meet him at some point lol.

Boston Guy: I honestly think school has all but done him in. It is the worst that it has been in the over two years I have known him. I really feel bad for him but there is nothing I can do. I am tryng to hold on and be patient but it is hard. His birthday is next week and I need to get him a present but the pessimistic part of me feels like we are in trouble. The optimistic side says thigs are fine except for his school work. What I do know is that I still love him.

Military Guy: He will not be back on the East Coast until January at the earliest. We email fairly often but chatting is almost impossible due to the time difference between my town and Germany. I still cannot wait to meet him.

I am really working on continuing to make some local gay friends. That is more important than dating for me right now.

Read Full Post »

A Confused Sox Guy

It seems that Sox Guy is a confused. He was acting weird today and finally told me that he was really confused about his sexuality and was scared about the entire thing. This is quite a change from yesterday. When he was in college, he dated a guy and really liked him.

Today, he feels like he is too masculine to be gay. I tried to help him with this, but I just did not get anywhere. I explained that I thought the same thing, literally months ago, and the reality is many gay guys are very masculine. He basically said he was going to try to date girls and hoped that would fix things. Maybe he is bi and he’ll be happy but I am doubting that.

He still says he wants to meet this weekend but I am not sure that I want to waste my time. I do not need another indecisive guy in my life now. I am always one to try to help someone else, and made it clear to him that he can call me whenever he needs, but I am afraid if I meet him I’ll end up liking him only to be disappointed.

I think I may give up dating until I really see what happens with Boston Guy or Military Guy. I care for both of those guys and they care about me. I really think I need to let those possibilities play out. I think I will know what is up with Boston Guy pretty soon and Military Guy should be back in the area in early January. If I stumble across someone else in the meantime, that would be fine but I do not think I am not going to be looking.

Read Full Post »

A New Guy

The day after my rejection last week, I picked up where I left off and emailed a guy who was looking for a relationship. We chatted and exchanged pics and he is quite a cutie. I’m going to call him Sox Guy, because of his infatuation with the Boston Red Sox.

Today, he really wanted me to call him so I did. We talked for an hour and the time flew by. He seems like a nice guy and we are going to meet next weekend when I get back from a business trip later this week.

He is pretty forward about wanting to kiss me and wanting more but I’ve made it clear I’m not looking for a hook up and he says he is not either. If the date goes well, kissing is cool but he isn’t getting anything else on the first date. I’ve waited thirty years to get it on with a guy and I’m not giving it up easily 🙂

On a related note, Boston Guy and I are still where we have been lately. He is consumed with school, which is very much okay, but I remain too low on his priority list compared to where he is on mine. I am not giving up but have resolved to just see what happens. If it is meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, getting out and meeting other guys is good for me.

Read Full Post »

Rejected

While I wait for Boston Guy to communicate and say what he wants, I’ve responded to a couple of craigslist ads that were asking for dates.

I was chatting with one of those guys tonight. I had chatted with him the other night and the conversation was good, not great, but we decided to exchange pics. He was reasonably attractive, and since I do not really have a type yet, certainly acceptable to meet. I said he was good looking. He said the same about me but then quickly said I was not his type. I asked what his type was and he said he did not have a type except that he had to find them attractive. Ouch.

I, of course, took this the wrong way. Just because he doesn’t find me attractive doesn’t mean that I am not. He said we could still stay in touch as he is always looking for friends and I agreed. After the chat I did delete him. What he said tonight, coupled with a comment he made about transgender people the other night (they are all mental cases), sealed his fate.

I told SL Guy what this guy said and SL Guy said that rejection is all part of the game. He also said the guy sounded like an ass. I know that if I was an ugly freak I probably never would have gotten married nor fooled around with guys before. What this guy said, and the way he said it, does still bother me. I know that I am a wuss.

There are times that I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut to my wife and continued with our marriage. Tonight was one of those times. It took tonight for me to realize that my ego is crazy fragile. It doesn’t matter what I had in the past, or how successful I am, this dating thing is going to be difficult.

Read Full Post »

Much Ado About Nothing?

I heard from Boston Guy this morning after sending yet another text. He said he was away yesterday and and forgot his phone. I completely believe him but am not thrilled that when he received my texts and message this morning he still chose not to respond. All of this seems to be just a bad coincidence with the email that I sent him, which I do not even think he has read yet. We still need to discuss the email that I sent him but I am hoping that he will be open to improving communication and all will be okay.

Read Full Post »

Very Disappointed

I sent the following email to Boston Guy Friday night. I haven’t heard one word since. He has really gone out of his way to ignore me. He is online but doesn’t return messages. He doesn’t answer texts or his phone. I guess what we had is coming to a close. I have so much more to say but I am so sad now I do not feel like blogging.

***

I am tired of being ignored. You sign on tonight, twice, and sign right off. I send texts and get nothing. I try to call and you do not answer. If you’re too tired to chat or whatever just say so. I’ll understand but not communicating is not working anymore.

We’re all busy. You need to make a decision as to whether you have the time to have me in your life. I have always respected your need to study. I think I probably respect that need more than some of your friends do. If you can’t chat or are going to be reading, say so. Don’t leave me hanging just sitting here waiting for you to reply to a message.

You know I needed an answer for our weekend visit today in an attempt to save money. You chose not to give me that answer last night or today.

You know how I feel about you. I cannot show any more emotion towards you. I conveyed that in person, certainly in my letter to you, in random texts and also on the blog. I do not even get a little of that back from you. I have to assume that you feel the same way and it causes me to be on an emotional roller coaster, which is just not fair.

I know you always say I am paranoid or I overreact. Fact is, that only happens with you and it happens too often because of your failure to reassure me or show me you care. You grabbed my hand at the airport so I know you had feelings for me. I am pretty good at reading people and I still believe we share similar feelings for one another.

We need to step things up, meaning a call a few times a week, planning our next visits, etc. I should not have to initiate everything and you should be just as excited about this stuff as I am or there is something wrong with us.

I worry about you. I worry about your self esteem. I worry when you say that you have the weight of the entire world on your shoulders. All of the drama that your friends and family put on you, coupled with school and work makes your life more stressful than it is most college seniors. I feel like I am just piling on. I want to help you but I cannot if we do not talk and I get one word answers when I ask questions. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to be happy. However, I need to be happy too.

I want a boyfriend. I want you to be my boyfriend. You said you wanted the same. If that is true, show me.

Love, Eliot

Read Full Post »

Cast of Characters IV

This is a continuation of my cast of characters posts that I began a few weeks ago.

I met Military Guy in a chat room probably 18 or so months ago. I do not remember the details but we did ht it off. He and Boston Guy are the people that I have kept in touch with whom I originally met on Yahoo.

Military Guy is gorgeous and very intelligent. Tall, dark and handsome and he speaks four languages in addition to English. He joined the military, as an officer, to piss off his father and has hated it the entire time. While he did serve in Iraq, he retuned safely and is allegedly currently in a safe assignment.

Coincidentally, Military Guy was a local guy to me. He begged me numerous times to let him take me to dinner but I never would do it because of the commitment I had to Boston Guy. While I did not tell him that was the reason, he is well aware of Boston Guy and has been aware of him for a year or so. He is also aware that I met Boston Guy last weekend. He is supportive, and does not seem jealous, but I think he wishes he were stationed here now.

Military Guy has said that he witnessed the growth in me, over the time we have known one another, just in what I was willing to chat about. I found this remarkable but I guess it is true. Honestly, Military Guy played a part in that but it was mostly Boston Guy.

When things went south with Boston Guy, I emailed Military Guy. I really just needed someone to talk to and he was it. He did not respond. I knew that he had been sent to a European country but that was all I knew. Over the next few months, I tried several times to reach him. None was successful, so I just assumed that he did not want to communicate because he was irritated that I fell in love with this other guy after he had spent quite a bit of time pursuing me. I figured he had moved on.

I decided to email him one more time in August and he responded. Turns out he had been seriously injured in an accident on base. The cause of the accident appears to have been stupidity and had Military Guy not been at the right place at the right time, two soldiers may have been killed. Military Guy was awarded a medal for his bravery. The accident caused Military Guy to be hospitalized for a few weeks and was unable to type on a computer for several more.

Happily, Military Guy is almost recovered from the accident and we are able to chat occasionally. He is still in the European country, so the time difference has made chatting difficult but we try to make the best of it. He has gone out of his way to be there for me, at one point getting up at 3am his time in order to chat with me. He did this several times.

He is supposed to return to my area in January and I definitely want to meet him.

Read Full Post »

Letter to Boston Guy

On Sunday, I alluded to writing Boston Guy a letter. Here’s the scoop.

While I was sitting in the airport on Saturday waiting to leave to see Boston Guy, I decided to write him a letter. I figured if the weekend went well, I’d give it to him as I was leaving.

A little background is warranted. I listened to a pretty excellent speaker at a convention a few months ago. He is credited with creating the Nike Lance Armstrong Live Strong wristbands. When he left Nike, in appreciation for his work, they created wristbands just for him. They are clear and say D.R.E.A.M. on them. There is a meaning there, but it is too long to get into.

At the conclusion of his speech, he announced that he had wristbands for us. I thought this was cool, as he said the only way to get them was to see him in person. I was hoping to grab a bunch for my managers back home. Well, the wristband police were at the distribution points, so we were told we could only have one. I stole a second anyway.

I’ve been thinking for a while who to give one of the wristbands to. It is a simple gift, but in my mind, if presented thoughtfully, a pretty big gesture on my part.

I considered giving it to my Mom, a blogger friend, a college friend, my wife and Boston Guy. Well, it really was not a difficult choice. I chose long ago to give it to Boston Guy and was just waiting for the right time.

In the letter to him, I explained the meaning of the wristband, and the fact that I only had one to give out. I further said that I was eternally grateful for him being there the last two years and, although I could not predict our future, I knew that we’d remain lifelong friends and that I loved him. It was quite a sappy letter, but it needed to be. And the fact that it was handwritten was even more meaningful, at least to me. (Do you handwrite letters to people that you love? Because handwritten letters are so rare these days, they are pretty damn special. Just a thought.)

I gave the letter and wristband, in an envelope, to Boston Guy as we got out of his car at the airport and told him to open it later. He looked puzzled but agreed. A few minutes later, after I had gotten to the gate, he sent me a text saying that the wristband was meaningful to him and he was wearing it.

Read Full Post »

What a Crazy Trip

Well I got in to see Boston Guy without much travel trouble. I got to the airport very early because there was no traffic and passed the time chatting with some bloggers and also wrote a letter to Boston Guy, which I’ll get to in a future post. The flight itself was uneventful and very short.

As the plane was landing, I began to get pretty nervous, but I was mostly just very excited. I kept thinking to myself, “Finally after two years I get to meet this guy!” I was so happy to see Boston Guy. I gave him a big hug at the airport.

We checked into the hotel and ventured out to get some dinner. This took some doing, as most of the decent restaurants had lengthy wait times due to it being a Saturday night. After trying several restaurants, we decided on Carrabbas and settled in for about an hour wait. It was chilly and we waited outside. I tried to lean into him a little bit but with all the other people around, it made me uncomfortable, and I am not certain that he even took notice. Dinner went great and we returned to the hotel, where things got interesting, but not in a good way.

His twin sister had been trying to reach him throughout dinner. When he called her back, he learned that her husband had decided to punch her in the face, leaving quite a bruise. Her husband then left the house. He told her to call his other brother, who is a police officer, which she did. Boston Guy decided that he needed to go over to her house to see her, and I thought that was reasonable. He said he’d try to be back in an hour. Well, she ended up going to the police station and he ended up babysitting and falling asleep at her house. We exchanged some texts, but to make a too-long story short, his return last night was not to be. I was very disappointed and quite upset (that is such an understatement it isn’t even funny) but also tried to keep an open mind and thought about if someone purposely injured my little sister how I would probably go and hunt down the guy that did it.

Boston Guy got back to the hotel in the morning and I was still in bed. He was not in a good mood, but I asked him to lay on the bed with me and he did. We cuddled and I tried every move on him that I knew but he was not into messing around at all. At one point, he got pretty upset about his sister and appeared to cry a little. He felt guilty about wanting to be with her and with me. I held him, caressed him and kissed him for the next two hours. He fell asleep on my chest and I thought my heart was going to melt. It quickly became check out time and I jumped in the shower and off we went.

We spent the day touring his college and town and had a nice lunch at one of the local restaurants that he had often talked about. I really enjoyed spending the time with him and was able to finally see all of the places that he had talked about the last two years. The day went by really quick and we got a quick bite for dinner before heading for the airport. On the way into the restaurant, he complained about his back hurting so I rubbed it while we walked towards the door. While we ate we chatted about where we could meet next, and decided that meeting outside of his town, and the constant drama that exists there, would be a good idea.

I told him that he could drop me off at the airport but he wanted to park and walk me in, which I thought was very thoughtful. On the way in, he grabbed my hand, which shocked me. We held hands for a minute until we approached some people and I let go. I am not comfortable with any form of pda yet. I know I need to get over that, and I want to, so it is something that I will work on. I’ve come pretty far in the last five weeks anyway, I told myself.

Boston Guy walked me to the security area and we said our goodbyes, which was really hard for me. I think I pulled the same shit I did with SL Guy and didn’t really look at him, although we did hug. I was on the verge of getting emotional and did not want to.

The trip was so worth it and I did not want to leave. He seemed so familiar when I met him. He has gorgeous brown eyes and smelled so good. I’ve learned in the last week that the way a guy smells really makes me go wild. I told Boston Guy several times, when he seemed to think I was bored during our tour (I wasn’t), that spending time with him, regardless of what we were doing, was all I wanted. He thought that was corny but I am trying to go out of my way to express positive feelings when I have them. Life is too short not too.

Read Full Post »