Archive for the ‘divorce’ Category

One year ago today I told my wife I was gay and began this blog. What a year it has been! Over 61,000 blog views, over 1,000 comments and 148 posts.

I know that I made the right decision to come out to my wife and us splitting up was also the right decision for us. Both of my parents have come to accept who I really am and most of my friends have been supportive as well. The following other events occurred over the last year:

The Bad

– My wife made the difficult decision to move to Florida. I continue to miss her and my dogs. Thankfully, she is doing well and seems okay and the divorce preparation has been going well, too. Although extremely difficult, she could not have handled all of this any better

– My grandmother died of Alzheimer’s Disease over the Summer.

The Good

– I was very lucky and found a great boyfriend in Bell Guy a few months after coming out. He moved in with me about six weeks ago and I look forward to many years of continued happiness with him.

– I got promoted twice and have now reached the pinnacle of the career ladder at my company at the age of 31.

– I had the pleasure of chatting with people from all over the world that I have met from this blog. I consider many of you friends, appreciate your support over the last year and look forward to meeting more of you when I have the opportunity. You know who you are.

– I have gotten to do a lot of travel this past year which was great fun.

Looking back, I think the year prior to this one was more difficult for me, as I was making the decision to come out. I am really looking forward to some stability and a “normal” year coming up, as I think most of my challenges are behind me. One goal is to come out to more people as I firmly believe it is important that people see gays as normal people and me coming out will perpetuate that. If every gay person came out, I know we’d be further along in our rights than we are today.

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Bell Guy is beginning to settle in and I am beginning to get used to my new reality. I get really super sad late at night when I think about what was but I know that will fade with time. I have not been sleeping well at all the last few nights but that should get better soon too. It’s ironic that right around the time I came out to my wife, me being gay was all consuming in my life. The same feelings are occurring now as well. Her and the dogs moving and Bell Guy moving in has consumed my life recently and I am looking forward to things returning to a new normal.

We have bought some new furniture and have rearranged some other furniture and I think doing so will enable me to make new memories sooner. I still am not sure that I want to stay in this house long term but I waffle with those thoughts frequently and, although I’d like to make a decision soon, we do not need to for a couple of months.

Bell Guy and I have been getting along well. I am very anal about where things are placed in the house and I know that merging his things with mine has been stressful for him. I know I need to be more flexible and less negative but I am having some trouble with dealing with that along with everything else at the moment. I am not sure that he understands the magnitude that all of these changes have had on me but that is my fault for not expressing my feelings. I am sure this, too, will be fine with time.

I am looking forward to getting out of town for a conference in Toronto later this week. I want a break from all of the moving and errand running and memories of this place.

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I’m back from vacation and returning to a semi empty house was weird. No wife and no dogs. All of their stuff is gone too. It made me pretty sad but I am looking forward to Bell Guy moving in tomorrow. Saying goodbye to her a couple weeks ago was tough. Saying goodbye to the dogs last Friday seemed even worse. I think it was because I know I will see her again, maybe as early as a day over Thanksgiving weekend,  but I am not so sure about the dogs. I’ve had about ten months to prepare for all of these changes but I do not think I could really prepare. It was a nice vacation but I am looking forward to all of the moving being over with and getting settled again with Bell Guy. We will put the house on the market after Labor Day but have also talked about buying my wife out. We’ll see.

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My Chicago trip report is not done but will have to wait a few days.

My wife leaves for a trip to France Wednesday. When she gets back, I will be at the beach and she will move to Florida. When I return from the beach, she and my dogs will be gone. Her portion of the house is packed up and we are faced, after essentially living as friends since I came out in September, with one more night in the same house. We’ve been together ten years and while I know I did the right thing in coming out to her, it will be a difficult adjustment to life without her and the dogs. I’ve tried to stay busy and ignore all of my feelings but that is becoming more difficult as time is running out.

Tonight, after helping her pack, she went to watch TV and I got in bed. After a few minutes she came into my room and laid on my bed, upset that life as we know it will never be the same. I did everything I could to not cry.

I just want to get through these next few days and begin my new life with Bell Guy.

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My wife has been in Florida since Saturday at a job fair and looking for a place to live. The trip was a success for her, as she called me today and she signed a contract for the job at the location that she was hoping for and also found an apartment. So, it looks like she, along with my two dogs, will be moving in less than two months.

My how time has flown since I told her I was gay. It has been almost eight months now. Big changes ahead.

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When we (me and two coworkers) checked into the hotel, I very stupidly asked if we could have rooms near one another. Now, this hotel has over 5,000 rooms so maybe that was a good idea at the time but I did not think it through. When the front desk girl told me that she could only put us in rooms close to one another if we were in the wing that only had king beds I agreed. Again, I didn’t think that through. Granted, at that point it was about 2am “home” time and my brain must have been somewhere else.

As I previously blogged, Bell Guy gets here in a few days. I am not out to these two coworkers and they think that I am still happily married. Now, I will have a man staying with me in my room. In a room with only one bed.

I have considered changing rooms but I unpacked days ago and I am nice and settled. I told Bell Guy about my dilemma and while he said it was up to me as to what to do, I know he is growing tired of me having to hide behind this idea that I am straight and things are normal for me at home. It is not unusual for me to be paranoid when I am out with him and we are in areas where there is a greater chance that we will run into people that I will know (that happened once and although I had a mild heart attack I survived and do not think the person had any suspicions).

I’ve decided that I am not switching rooms. One coworker leaves the morning after Bell Guy arrives and if the other sees me and Bell Guy together I’ll have to deal with it. I do not want people to think I am running around my wife’s back with some guy but I am not going to sneak around either.

I have said to myself a million times over the last six months that my one main issue I have with all of this is not me being gay. It is me getting married and then realizing years later that I am gay. I cannot get over my belief that those facts destroy my credibility with everyone I know. Nobody really understands, or will understand, and I do not want to discuss it, especially with people that I am not super close to. I am friends with many coworkers but it is none of their business how all of this came about and I have no plans to tell them. I guess I am going to deal with all of this as it comes. I know that I cannot continue this facade at work forever.

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I haven’t blogged about the circumstances involved in my pending divorce in some time (or ever maybe?). Here’s one component.

My wife and I have been debating for some time what to do with the investment property we own. I am an executive in a large real estate company so I have some experience in these matters, but it is impossible to predict the future market. We have a tenant in the house that wants to stay for another year and the real estate market in the city where it is located is not good. (Yes, there are areas where the market is good and, my gosh, if I didn’t already have two properties, I’d be buying now!) The loan has reset and the payment went up fifty percent. While we have equity in the house, I cannot afford a vacancy while the property sits on the market for sale.

So, we’ve decided to keep it. There are other good reasons for keeping it. It is near transportation corridors, commuter rail and should be impacted positively by the base realignment and closure process.

I am trying to get a refinance through and so far, so good. It will raise my payment a little bit, and I will lose some money every month. However, I will not have to deal with selling what may end up a vacant house in a tough market.

My wife and I have agreed that I will make up any difference between what is due monthly and what the tenant pays monthly and that should prevent her from requesting spousal support (alimony).

As long as the appraisal holds, very soon this issue will be off my plate for several years and I am looking forward to that. My hope is the market will improve and we will make some money through appreciation and then sell in a few years when the market is good.

Although my crystal ball is foggy, I am hoping this is all the right decision. I figure that worst case, I can move back into that house when the tenant moves and buy my wife out if I need to. We plan to put the house we share on the market for sale in the Spring. She moves back near her family in late June. Lots of stuff ahead 🙂

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