While I wait for Boston Guy to communicate and say what he wants, I’ve responded to a couple of craigslist ads that were asking for dates.
I was chatting with one of those guys tonight. I had chatted with him the other night and the conversation was good, not great, but we decided to exchange pics. He was reasonably attractive, and since I do not really have a type yet, certainly acceptable to meet. I said he was good looking. He said the same about me but then quickly said I was not his type. I asked what his type was and he said he did not have a type except that he had to find them attractive. Ouch.
I, of course, took this the wrong way. Just because he doesn’t find me attractive doesn’t mean that I am not. He said we could still stay in touch as he is always looking for friends and I agreed. After the chat I did delete him. What he said tonight, coupled with a comment he made about transgender people the other night (they are all mental cases), sealed his fate.
I told SL Guy what this guy said and SL Guy said that rejection is all part of the game. He also said the guy sounded like an ass. I know that if I was an ugly freak I probably never would have gotten married nor fooled around with guys before. What this guy said, and the way he said it, does still bother me. I know that I am a wuss.
There are times that I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut to my wife and continued with our marriage. Tonight was one of those times. It took tonight for me to realize that my ego is crazy fragile. It doesn’t matter what I had in the past, or how successful I am, this dating thing is going to be difficult.
People only find certain other people attractive. Not everyone has to find you attractive, and you shouldn’t have to think that way. I am over this already.
While I agree with Christian there, it’s easier said than done. I know that it’s always hard to hear that I don’t match up with someone’s “passion grid.” Dammit, I want to be him for everyone. No one has ever accused me of being overly practical =\
On another note, online relationships have never worked for me. They do in the happy place in my head where unicorns prance around and funny little men with beards slide down rainbows, but not in the real world. Be careful with looking for love online. (sidenote: in the anecdotal sense, I have seen so many straight couples match up online, but for gays it usually amounts to a hookup with intense passion and then die-out. Rinse. Repeat.)
I agree with A about the online world. I’ve been there and I’ve tried it out, but there’s a certain sort of shallowness that comes with the online word. Regardless how deep and spiritual someone is claiming to be on a hunt for, the physical side of it is more alluring and immediate… and quickly over and done with.
RE: your past and how you sometimes thing you should have stayed silent…
– Been there too. I was with a woman for 13 years, engaged for five of those years. When I broke it off and came out, the next couple of years really played with my emotions. The gay world, as great as it is, is often complicated and frustrating for guys who knew the other side. To this day, I still think that my ex-fiancee is the only one who truly gave me unconditional, honest and loyal love. Every guy I’ve ever dated has never matched her… It’s easier to trust someone of the opposite sex… maybe because we know firsthand what guys are capable of.
Don’t worry what other people say about your physical nature. I know, easier said than done, but think about all the times you were online, saw a pic, and then passed. It’s the nature of the online beast. To be truthful, I passed on a number of people online, only to somehow run into them at bars, parties or random places… and THEN I realized how attractive they really are in person. Put it into that perspective and you can then think, “Well that guy is missing out then” instead of “I must be flawed”.
That stinks, but don’t let it get to you. The guy sounds like a putz and you are probably better off without him. And don’t worry about what other people think about you; so long as you’re happy with yourself that’s all that matters.
Oh no! Unfortunately, I think you just met first gay asswipe. There will be more but please don’t spend energy considering their opinions of you.
Just in your honesty and what you write, I find you attractive. Assuming everything you write is true. 😉 Your last sentence is what I have been echoing these past few days. ((((HUGS))))
Yup, sooner or later you’ll be desensitized like the rest of us. Just as Kiba said, that guy sounds like an ass and you’re way better off without him. Maybe he knows that and he says he’s not attractive to you just so he won’t get dumped first. how can you be ‘rejected’ when you don’t even know if you want him in the first place?
I know everyone wants to be liked by everyone else. You can’t possibly alter yourself into what other people are looking for. What if the guy is actually looking for a hermaphodite? Can you grow an extra sets of organs? He’s missing out on what’s inside you that we all find great. Don’t let that asshole makes you think insecure about yourself.
Other than that the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve doesn’t help either. You couldn’t have stayed with your wife, could you? Would you be happy? Can you guarantee that there won’t be other problems further down your marriage? Who wants to be exposed like they did Larry Craig? Living like him? At that age? Things that has passed always seems better.
Dating is not easy. You’ll find someone. You’ll be happy.
P.S. I can’t believe you tested to be more introverted than I am.
Eliot,
This is probably the first of many similar experiences to come. The gay world is not all bells and whistles and there are guys out there, like this one that just are too caught up in vanity & wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit them in the ass. He wont be the last one you meet. Just don’t let it get you down, stay positive!
When I came out and got divorced, I wanted to find “mr right” & I’ve had my share of experiences with guys just being flaky and disappearing especially after things got physical. Of course you put some investment into these situations but down the road the return will be worth it. Don’t let it get you down. I think these kind of experiences, even though seem bad at the time actually make you a stronger person. It helps build up that thick skin to deal with the negatives. You are so new to this and it just takes time & experiences with it. I think guys that have had to deal with these things and can keep a positive outlook on things often end up being the best mate a guy could ever ask for!
Hi Eliot — You did meet an asshole. Unfortunately, the gay community is riddled with them. I read a book that you might find interesting. It is called The Velvet Rage. I did a review of it this summer on my blog. It talked a lot about the importances of appearances and the shallowness of the gay community and the reasons behind this. Since you are still in the beginning stages of coming out to people, I encourage you to read it. It isn’t long and it makes a lot of good points. I have only been out to my friends for 6 months and it has been since then that I have been frequenting the clubs and bars. Sadly, the kind of individual that you encountered via the internet populates the bars as well. A friend of mine has repeated told me that bars and clubs are not the place to find long-lasting and fulfilling relationships. They are for getting laid. (I imagine that the chat rooms fall into that category as well.) And he would be right. I am not sure how things are in your city, but where I live in Memphis, there are not a lot of places to meet quality people. But on the other hand, know that you are not alone in this – that you do have friends out there, even if we are all over the place on the internet, that wish you well and are willing to encourage you. Don’t worry, you will find a good guy out there. I’ve read they exist…:-)
You poor thing. This guy sounds like a real piece of work. As we get older, often people are rather angry, based on whatever has/has not happened to them. This often comes out as blanket statements that are more often than not very judgmental. This person sounds more than toxic and you are obviously better off without him. It is almost as if you need to be a superhero of sorts in order to defend yourself against the Soul-Suckers.
Hang in there, you know who you are and what you are about. One being not treating others of being like this person. You deserve far better and that is why you have taken the steps you have. Smile and chalk this one up to experience.
I hate it when I’m a wuss. I hate being so overly emotional. You have gotten some good advice here, and all I can say is “ditto.”
I have a question, though. Where can a single gay man go to meet other gay men looking for a relationship? In my observation bars are bad places to go looking for anything meaningful. All the good advice I’ve heard says to get involved in community activities, etc, doing things that you enjoy. There you will meet people who share common interests and values. That can work pretty well in the heterosexual world sometimes. My question, though, centers around the unique aspect of being homosexual. Outside of the typical gay meccas, how can you be certain of meeting other men who want to be in a relationship with a man? Join the Rotary, the Lions Club, Sertoma. Meet interesting people, do wonderful service projects for the greater good. But are there other gay men involved? How do you know where to find them?
Rejection is something that I still haven’t quite learned how to deal with yet. It makes me afraid to talk to guys because many of the ones I’ve met have been asses and it frustrates me.
Gay dating is never going to be easy.
i think you’re not a wuss nor you gotta think about going back to your wife, if it was that wonderful then why in the first place you broke up?
there’s something about attraction: as the physical side, it’s much easier to find some Mr hot for a night or more, as for the attraction of souls , you really need time.
there’s one important thing about gays online, not all of them are gay but many asshole bi-curious, they’re not looking for anything long and lasting with you than a good fuck. (no one is straight-curious, or does that word exist?!!)
don’t give up easily, many of us left some very loyal understanding females behind to come out and be what we naturally are.
i had many times thinking there was a chance to get back to my wife, just living as we lived.
many times i hated my lover for running into my life and destroying the whole marriage but honestly it wasnt his fault, my marriage was so unstable.
there are hundred times i blame myself for not keeping my mouth shut (specially when my little girl becomes too annoying!).
i can say it wasnt easy but now im not regretting anything, i have a wonderful partner who’s not Mr. perfect for sure but he’s my soulmate, i know i can count on him any time i want and i dont think about the marriage i had but the happy marriage i will have making my happy family with my partner and little girl, a not very normal family with two dads and a little girl and it’s too much fun.
so dont worry, you will find that someone but i dont think you cant find him in bars or online. gays are everywhere not only in bars, it’s old-fasion to find your soulmate in a bar.
i wish you luck, keep on looking and you’ll find him sooner or later
This CL guy sounds like a total ass…child, don’t waste any more time worrying about what he said…cuz he just ain’t worth it…Snap Snap!
And don’t make me get all Christina Aguilera on your ass & sing “Beautiful” to you.
Lots of A-holes online, unfortunately.
Over time this rejection will become nothing to you. It used to really bother me when guys rejected me. Once I chatted with a guy for like three weeks…I really thought we hit it off. We finally met for coffee….and at the end of the hour he said nice meeting you….never saw him again. He wasn’t even hot. His loss…totally his loss. And my gain….because I didn’t waste anymore time with such a superficial asshole. keep that perspective.