One Year

One year ago today I told my wife I was gay and began this blog. What a year it has been! Over 61,000 blog views, over 1,000 comments and 148 posts.

I know that I made the right decision to come out to my wife and us splitting up was also the right decision for us. Both of my parents have come to accept who I really am and most of my friends have been supportive as well. The following other events occurred over the last year:

The Bad

– My wife made the difficult decision to move to Florida. I continue to miss her and my dogs. Thankfully, she is doing well and seems okay and the divorce preparation has been going well, too. Although extremely difficult, she could not have handled all of this any better

– My grandmother died of Alzheimer’s Disease over the Summer.

The Good

– I was very lucky and found a great boyfriend in Bell Guy a few months after coming out. He moved in with me about six weeks ago and I look forward to many years of continued happiness with him.

– I got promoted twice and have now reached the pinnacle of the career ladder at my company at the age of 31.

– I had the pleasure of chatting with people from all over the world that I have met from this blog. I consider many of you friends, appreciate your support over the last year and look forward to meeting more of you when I have the opportunity. You know who you are.

– I have gotten to do a lot of travel this past year which was great fun.

Looking back, I think the year prior to this one was more difficult for me, as I was making the decision to come out. I am really looking forward to some stability and a “normal” year coming up, as I think most of my challenges are behind me. One goal is to come out to more people as I firmly believe it is important that people see gays as normal people and me coming out will perpetuate that. If every gay person came out, I know we’d be further along in our rights than we are today.

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They are all gone.

I’m back from vacation and returning to a semi empty house was weird. No wife and no dogs. All of their stuff is gone too. It made me pretty sad but I am looking forward to Bell Guy moving in tomorrow. Saying goodbye to her a couple weeks ago was tough. Saying goodbye to the dogs last Friday seemed even worse. I think it was because I know I will see her again, maybe as early as a day over Thanksgiving weekend,  but I am not so sure about the dogs. I’ve had about ten months to prepare for all of these changes but I do not think I could really prepare. It was a nice vacation but I am looking forward to all of the moving being over with and getting settled again with Bell Guy. We will put the house on the market after Labor Day but have also talked about buying my wife out. We’ll see.

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Grandmother’s Funeral

As I blogged about a couple month’s ago, my grandmother died on March 19. Arlington National Cemetery has such a backlog of funerals, her service was not held until today. I had been dreading this day for some time because I really do not handle death well and do not like to ever be emotional. (I have no idea how a family is able to deal with losing a son in Iraq, for instance, only to then have to wait up to two months for the service. I know that many have a local service in their hometown, but then having to repeat it again at Arlington, should they want their loved one buried there, must be extremely taxing for them.)

We were worried about rain but it thankfully held off. My wife accompanied me which was nice of her.

My grandmother was a second lieutenant in the army. Therefore, she was buried with full military honors. The service was very small, only the immediate family, and started in the chapel at Fort Myer right at 9am. The chaplain seemed nice and had nice things to say, speaking about serving God and her country. I held it together well during the service.

After the service, which was probably less than twenty minutes, we stepped outside. The band began playing as the casket was loaded onto the caisson. There were probably six or eight horses, nearly thirty band members, a color guard and what seemed to be a dozen honor guard members carrying rifles. They all began to march towards the grave site, which was very far from the chapel, playing music the entire time. We were instructed to follow in our cars.

The very slow journey in our cars took what had to have been over twenty minutes. Arlington National Cemetery is just huge. Even though I have lived in the area for almost ten years, I am not sure I ever really understood just how huge until today. As a tourist you are really not able to comprehend the size of the cemetery and I have never gone to visit the graves of my two grandfathers and step grandfather.

The grave site was about 100 yards from the road and walking through the flooded grass, from our recent monsoon, proved challenging at some points. The honor guard unloaded the casket and placed it on a stand of some sort in front of my grandfather’s stone. He died in 1981, when I was four. I did not get to know him, nor do I remember him. I really feel that he was stolen from us too early at the age of 60.

The chaplain said a prayer and there were three shots in unison from the rifles. Taps was then played. It was during the shots and taps that I felt was eyes welling up with tears but it did not get out of hand. The honor guard folded up the flag with the same military precision you’ve seen on television and the movies and presented it to my uncle, “on behalf of a grateful nation.” An Arlington Lady, a volunteer representative of the Army, gave my uncle a note and had made some comments to him that I could not hear.

That was it. It was over.

My father told me and my brother that my other grandfather was buried about twenty graves down – in the same row. So, the three of us, along with my uncle and half brother walked down. That grandfather, my mom’s father, died six months after my father’s dad. He apparently was fine and at the funeral of my father’s dad, only to get acute leukemia and be buried in nearly the same spot six months later. I have always thought that he was stolen from us too early as well – he was only 58. I didn’t like seeing his grave. It bothered me and I am still not sure why. His wife is my only surviving grandparent.

Throughout the morning, I kept thinking to myself “I hate this place.” Arlington Cemetery has no good memories for me. Fort Myer Chapel is even worse. I attended the funeral of my step grandfather in that same chapel nearly nine years ago. His death was more sudden and the mental images of my grandmother putting his urn in the columbarium, and my aunt’s reaction to that, will be forever etched in my memory. Today was the first graveside service at Arlington and the service of a military officer that I had witnessed. It was all very nice and dignified and memorable. I’m not sure my grandmother would not have liked all of the attention but I am sure she is happy to finally be back beside her husband after over twenty-five years.

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Grandmother Dies

My grandmother died of Alzheimers disease today.

She had been in a retirement home for a few years and had been completely incapacitated for a long time. The last real conversation I had with her was maybe three years ago. I knew things hadn’t been great with her lately but I still wasn’t expecting this so soon. I guess one never really expects it.

I am glad that she lived a good, long and happy life. I am sad that she suffered more recently and that disease really takes a toll on the patient’s family.

I am not upset but I feel weird. I am glad that she will not suffer anymore but I think this will all really set in for me when the funeral takes place. I have no idea when that will be but I expect she will be buried next to my grandfather at Arlington National.

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Priceless

Plane Ticket to Orlando: $400
Rental Car in Orlando: $150
Telling Your Mom You Have a Boyfriend on Christmas Morning: Priceless

When I arrived in Orlando late Christmas Eve, the car rental company was out of cars. They told me to rent from another company and I’d be reimbursed. I did so, at a premium, and am still waiting on my reimbursement.

I then drove to the hotel, which was out of rooms. They had to upgrade me to a pretty sweet suite and since I had used Priceline and already saved a bundle, this was a nice Christmas present.

I got up Christmas morning and, after wrapping presents on my dining room table, I headed for my brother’s house, where my Mom was also staying. This would be the first time I had seen my Mom (or brother) since coming out.

This was also the first opportunity I had to meet my niece and she is quite a bundle. Born in August, she is a well behaved baby and a fat one at that. I think I will like being an uncle.

We began to open presents and I was given a bag of peanut M&M’s. I offered them to my brother and my Mom didn’t understand why. I told her that I didn’t eat peanuts anymore and she insisted to know why. I told her that I didn’t eat peanuts because the man I kiss is allergic. She was stunned and asked if my brother and sister-in-law heard what I had said. They had not so I repeated it. My brother started laughing uncontrollably, sister-in-law asked if I had a boyfriend and Mom was still trying to figure out how to pick her jaw up off the floor. I offered to take a picture with Mom and the bag of peanut M&M’s but she declined.

After opening presents and answering too many questions about Bell Guy, we played with my sister-in-law’s new Nintendo Wii and I decided that I wanted one.

Mom and I later went to a Japanese steakhouse for dinner and, although I was peppered with more Bell Guy questions, it was an enjoyable evening at my favorite Orlando area restaurant.

The next day was spent hanging out with Mom, brother and niece at Celebration and I left to go home the day after. All in all, a nice visit and Mom behaved herself quite well.

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“It’s Better to be Who You Really are…

…than be unhappy being someone you really aren’t.”

That was part of the message from my brother responding to my email last night. He, too, is very supportive. I explained to him the difficulties Mom was having and warned him to expect a call from her. I am not close to my brother because he lives far away and I just do not see him often, but we did go out all of the time when he lived nearby. I wish he were closer now. He has been married about four years and has a daughter that is only a few months old.

***

Boston Guy and I did postpone the trip by a week. I think this will end up being better. He will not have the stress and distractions of the exams and the party. I am going to go up next Saturday evening and return Sunday night. This will give me a lot more time with him but I will also have to tell my wife that I am going to see “a friend.” I haven’t figured out what I am going to say to her just yet. I do know that I cannot wait to kiss him.

***

I watched Carpoolers last night and thought that show was hilarious! Check it out.

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Out to Brother; Trip Postponed

Lot’s going on, but a short post today.

I sent my brother a note telling him that I am gay. He and I are not close so he will not freak or anything. I am hoping this will appease Mom and take some pressure off of me. I have not heard from her since that mess of a conversation Sunday. I am debating telling some of my local friends soon as well.

I am going to postpone the trip to see Boston Guy. He has two exams on Monday and he talked to his Mom about getting out of the party and got nowhere. He is going to come down or I’ll try to go up again next weekend. I’m disappointed, but he reassured me that he is not playing games and is committed to meeting. I believe him. This will be a little more complicated because my wife will be back in town. I guess I’ll just tell her a friend (who she of course doesn’t know) is in town or I am going to see one. She may become irritated but I need to do this. As I told Troystopher tonight, if it doesn’t work out with Boston Guy after we meet, I’ll be disappointed but I will be at peace having had the opportunity to see him.

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See Ya Shitty September

I am glad September is gone. The month was long and pretty much sucked. I think things went okay for me overall, and I accomplished much by telling the three most significant people in my life that I am gay, but I hope October is better. I am sincerely grateful to you guys that have taken the time to reach out to me over the last three weeks. I will find a way to repay you. You know who you are.

Last night, the call to Mom, and thus that post, was not expected. I have wanted to blog about some other stuff last night but realized that post was already really long.

On Saturday, I purchased my plane ticket to see Boston Guy. I am so freaking excited I cannot stand it. This will be a day trip, as I have to return to take care of the dogs, since my wife will be out of town. I will have about 8 hours with Boston Guy on Sunday. Just so happens I have a free hotel room I must use in the next two weeks. I asked him if I should book it for us and he said yes. So, I am going to book a room for the day. I feel like such a whore – but it’s free!

Unfortunately, late tonight Boston guy said that he just got an invitation to his nephew’s birthday party, which is scheduled to take place at the time I land. I felt like an eight year old that had his balloon popped when he told me this. He feels conflicted now. I told him just to let his brother know that he has a prior commitment and he’d drop by early to see his nephew and things would be fine. He says I do not know his brother and he doesn’t want to get on his bad side. I think that is a complete load of shit but we’ll see. He said that he would figure something out and let me know. I think it will work out but I am a worrywart. I asked if he wanted me not to come and he did not answer me. (To be fair I think he was studying.) I am not happy. If he backs out, I’m afraid I will call it quits with him.

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A Disastrous Call to Mom

As I previously posted, I received a long email from Mom about ten days ago. I said that I was busy with our corporate event, and I’d get back to her. I was trying to figure out what I was going to say when I received the following email today:

I think telling me when you did was unfair of you. You haven’t answered any of my questions. You haven’t told anyone else in the family that I know of (meaning (my brother) or (a specific cousin) or any of your other cousins.) Thus, I get to dwell on this and mull it over on my own. You couldn’t tell (my brother) – not because it may upset him – because you didn’t just want to throw something together in a hurry. Are you still so incredibly busy? I don’t understand the rush to tell me if you were just going to leave me hanging out there. You tell me and that’s that? I’m now on my mine to sort out how I feel about you, about losing (my wife), about losing what I thought the future was going to be, about (my niece) not having (my wife) for an aunt, about (my niece) not having cousins????? Well, I am tired of saying that I don’t know anything more about Thanksgiving when (sister-in-law) asks me (although that part is true since you haven’t bothered to tell me anything.) Since you are fine now, I think you should forgo the letters and emails and just pick up the phone to tell (brother) and (cousin). Then, maybe they can fill me in.

I did not like this email but I knew she had been having difficulty dealing with this. She had sent my wife an email complaining that I was not availing myself to her and answering her questions and my wife responded that I just needed time and that I would respond to her when I was comfortable. Mom is most angry, I believe, that the plan she had for me has gone completely awry. No wife. No grandkids (already has one however). Nobody likes change and I realize that.

A couple issues that I will not address below: I did tell Mom weeks ago that my wife and I were fine. I guess she took this to mean everything, overall, was fine? I originally told her this so she would not freak out and worry. Didn’t work. I was going to tell my brother at one point but Mom objected. I have no idea what I am doing for Thanksgiving. I do know that I’d rather eat day old Boston Market by myself than go home.

I wrote a draft email back, but at Boston Guy’s urging, I decided to call Mom instead. Although he was probably right, the call was a complete disaster.

I said that I was calling her about the email. She said ok and nothing else. I said that I thought the email was mean, which was a big mistake.

I tried to take some notes as she cried, screamed and cursed at me but did a poor job of doing so. I cannot stress enough how badly this call went. I did note that she very clearly said that I chose to be gay. When I had the opportunity, I corrected her and said that I was choosing to live my life as a gay man but I did not choose to be gay. I said that it would be completely unfair to run around my wife’s back, have anonymous sex in bathrooms and leave a double life. She had no response.

There were long pauses on her end throughout the conversation. Uncomfortably long and, frankly, unexpected since she had demanded that I discuss all of this with her. It is not easy to have a discussion when there is no dialogue from the other person. I said that the call was an opportunity to talk and was told that she will call me whenever she fucking pleases.

I said that I was not comfortable talking to her or Dad about the details because they were very personal but I did have people I could talk to. I remember saying that while I wanted to be there for those around me, I had to worry about my mental health first and foremost. I explained that I was going through more changes than anyone else. I said that I was not out at work, and thus living a double life, that none of my friends knew, that I had no gay friends, that I was losing my two dogs and, essentially my life was completely changing. No response.

She said that I had to have been with a man (meaning sex) to know for certain. I denied doing so and explained some guys, some who happen to read this blog, know for certain without having sex. As I have said, I fooled around with a guy so I knew for sure. In a way, her knowing that would give her comfort that I liked being with a guy, but she has said that if I had cheated on my wife it would have taken her a long time to forgive me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. That, however, is absolutely none of her business and she will never know.

She did ask how dare I knew, live a normal life and not say anything. I said that I told my wife as soon as I knew for certain and the timing was the best it could be for my wife. I said I agonized over the decision and timing.

Mom seems to think that my brother will be devastated by me being gay and she wants to be able to lean on him I think. I specifically said in my letter to her that she could tell her boyfriend because I did not want Mom to have nobody to talk to. I will send my brother an email but I need to explain to him to keep his mouth shut as he knows many people I work with, as he used to work in the company. I explained this to her and got a long pause and moved on. My wife and I agree that my brother will handle the news fine but hopefully will take some pressure off of me.

She wanted to know how I could send her a letter, with no warning, like I did when I had been living “the perfect life.” I said that I handled it the best way I could and giving her clues or a warning would not have been appropriate nor would it have been beneficial. She said she wanted an email saying my wife and I were in real trouble and then that be followed up with the letter. That would not have worked, as she would have been a basket case while waiting for the letter.

I cannot remember what else was said. It went so poorly that as soon as I hung up, my wife came upstairs because she overheard what happened.

I think Mom will adjust at some point. I know in my heart there was not a better way I could handle this. Admittedly, I waited too long to respond to her, but I think I did that knowing that the outcome would not be positive.

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Finally Back

I’ve been away from this much longer than I wanted. Now that work has calmed down, maybe I’ll be able to post as the title of my blog suggests I would. Maybe I should have named it Semiweekly Briefing.

I have decided to take this blog a little more anonymous now. It irritates me to do so, but there is much at stake with the pending divorce and future relationship with my wife and the possibility of me being outed at work. So, some of you readers that have been with me for a while will notice I now have a new name and my location is changing as well.

Let’s start with the addition of a couple of blogs to my blogroll.

– I am the Price of Freedom. I haven’t gotten the opportunity to get to know Ricky yet but his posts are pretty good and wide ranging, especially his most recent post. I hate bullies and I am glad that some kids today are not putting up with it.

– The Chaos Within. I got to chat with Paul the other night and he has gone through what I am going through. ‘Nuff said.

There are lots of other blogs that I read every day and some on my blogroll that I have not written about. I am going to try to highlight at least one a week. It occurs to me that if all bloggers did that, we’d all probably gain readers and this entire experience would be improved.

***

I guess I need to get into my journey to coming out a little bit. I have not had sex with another guy before but I did fool around with one a couple months ago to prove to myself that my thoughts were not crazy. Although I am not happy I did it, it would be hard to say that I regret it. There was no way I could have come out without doing that. Shrink had said he did not think it was necessary since some straight people wait until marriage to have sex and still know that they are straight. I pointed out to him that even those people hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. before marriage. My situation was different of course but I could not accept myself as who I am without an encounter with a guy.

I really thought this guy, who I found on craigslist, and I was very up front and honest with, would become a friend. We emailed and chatted quite a bit before meeting and he and I had gone to lunch and dinner a couple times as well. He knew I was getting close to telling my wife but I was not in constant contact with him. Well, the day I told her, I emailed and texted a few people that were aware of my situation. He was one of those people. He did not say one word. No response whatsoever. I sent him a text a few days later asking if he had gotten my email and the text did not get a response either. This was pretty disappointing. No, it was very disappointing. I honestly did not see myself dating him but I was very much hoping that he would let me into his gay world.

Let me say this: If anyone, whether I know them well or not, ever takes the time to personally tell me that they just came out, they are going to get a response from me. It is just the right thing to do.

***

I received another long email from Mom last week. I am not going to post it because it is very long and there is not much new with it. She is struggling and I am going to let things simmer down for now.

Mom cannot understand how I can know that I am gay unless I have had sex with a guy. Mom and I have never been extremely close and I will not get into my thoughts, what I have and have not done with a guy or my timeline with all of this with Mom. Mom is completely unaware of the massive intimacy problems in my marriage as well. Not to sound mean, but none of this is any of her business and is extremely personal. I do not want to go into details about the above with my wife either as I do not want to hurt her more than I already have. She knows that I have not had sex with a guy and knows that I had thoughts beginning last year. I see no reason to go further than that and I am not sure that she wants to know (she is not asking). I have always prided myself in being open and honest and this entire thing bothers the hell out of me but I know that keeping my mouth shut in this case will be better for everyone. I do not think I am wrong here but I guess time will tell.

Mom also latched on to statement that I made in my original letter that I am sometimes in denial. She seems to think that amounts to doubt, but I do not agree. Are there days I wake up and think this is all a bad dream? Yes. Is that doubt? No.

Finally, Mom seems to think there is no way my wife is doing well with all of this since Mom is not and I am just wrong for thinking that she is. Well, I see my wife every day and spend lots of time with her and she seems to be doing very well. There will be ups and downs, like there will be for me, but I think she knows that we will both be better off in the future and takes comfort that I have not been having a sordid affair or been screwing around for years. She thinks that I handled all of this in the best possible way and I agree. Looking back I would not change anything, because this was a process and all of the steps were necessary. I will get into the other steps in later posts.

My wife told me that Mom is seeing a counselor about all of this and that is probably good. I love my Mom and want her to be happy and get through this but I am not going to leave my comfort zone with her. That is selfish, but I have to take care of myself first in all of this.

I saw Dad at work last week. All was well but we did not talk about any of this thank god. I’d like to keep it that way and I suspect that he may also. As you saw in his message, he is there if I need him but I feel more comfortable leaning on people other than my parents.

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