Dilemma

When we (me and two coworkers) checked into the hotel, I very stupidly asked if we could have rooms near one another. Now, this hotel has over 5,000 rooms so maybe that was a good idea at the time but I did not think it through. When the front desk girl told me that she could only put us in rooms close to one another if we were in the wing that only had king beds I agreed. Again, I didn’t think that through. Granted, at that point it was about 2am “home” time and my brain must have been somewhere else.

As I previously blogged, Bell Guy gets here in a few days. I am not out to these two coworkers and they think that I am still happily married. Now, I will have a man staying with me in my room. In a room with only one bed.

I have considered changing rooms but I unpacked days ago and I am nice and settled. I told Bell Guy about my dilemma and while he said it was up to me as to what to do, I know he is growing tired of me having to hide behind this idea that I am straight and things are normal for me at home. It is not unusual for me to be paranoid when I am out with him and we are in areas where there is a greater chance that we will run into people that I will know (that happened once and although I had a mild heart attack I survived and do not think the person had any suspicions).

I’ve decided that I am not switching rooms. One coworker leaves the morning after Bell Guy arrives and if the other sees me and Bell Guy together I’ll have to deal with it. I do not want people to think I am running around my wife’s back with some guy but I am not going to sneak around either.

I have said to myself a million times over the last six months that my one main issue I have with all of this is not me being gay. It is me getting married and then realizing years later that I am gay. I cannot get over my belief that those facts destroy my credibility with everyone I know. Nobody really understands, or will understand, and I do not want to discuss it, especially with people that I am not super close to. I am friends with many coworkers but it is none of their business how all of this came about and I have no plans to tell them. I guess I am going to deal with all of this as it comes. I know that I cannot continue this facade at work forever.

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Red Hats

A pic from the Red Hat gathering at a table near us last night. Too cute!

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Eliot Goes to the Auto Show

I wanted to go to the auto show this weekend and Bell Guy reluctantly agreed. Neither of us is looking for a new car but we went Friday night and saw hundreds of cars from all of the manufacturers. And Bell Guy enjoyed himself!

I did learn that what I wanted to be my next car, the Lexus GS Hybrid, has a trunk way too small for my liking. I guess the hybrid stuff takes up a lot of space back there, as the regular GS had a large trunk. Anyways, a few cell phone pics.

Jeep Concept

Lamborghini

Ferrari

Rolls Royce

Bell Guy 😉

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Violated

Ugh. Things had been going so well with Bell Guy. Until he decided to go against my known wishes and search for, locate, and then proceed to read parts of my blog.

Out of the blue yesterday evening, due to guilt, Bell Guy told me that he had read my blog between some meetings yesterday. He knew that I would be upset.

I was kind of shell shocked. At first, I didn’t think that I cared. But as I thought about it, I did care. I cared a lot. He knew that I had the blog and I had told him about some of the posts (thus how he was able to google search and find it). He also knew, very clearly, that I did not want him to read it. He had said previously that it was my personal journal and, therefore, was really none of his business.

I asked him how he found the blog and he said by accident. After I stated that was clearly bullshit, he said he searched by using Zac Efron. Since this seems to be Zac headquarters lately, it didn’t take much effort to find me.

I asked him why he felt the need to do this and he said that he wondered about what I thought of him and my coming out process. I think I’ve been pretty good about telling him how I feel. As for the entire coming out process, I really didn’t want to share it completely with him. He is aware of Boston Guy and Military Guy and all that stuff and I have not hidden anything. I just didn’t want to share all of those feelings. I am rather private really.

He was very apologetic and was clearly sorry for making such a stupid, selfish mistake.

I had some negative feelings regarding Bell Guy early on. I had some issues, which I have since worked through, with going out with a “stereotypical” gay guy. I did not mention specifics about those feelings here (or to him or anyone else) and I still will not.

Last night, I told him that I was glad that I did not blog about all of my feelings. When I said that, he asked if it was because I had been dating other people when we first started dating. Since I had told him early on that was not the case, I proceeded to tell him that was the dumbest thing to ever come out of his mouth since I had known him. I mean seriously, his mind was so all over the place that he was not even thinking before he spoke.

So, last night I felt violated. A stupid feeling? Maybe, but I do not think so. How many of you share your blogs with friends and boyfriends? I already know the answer: very few of you.

He broke the trust I had in him. I tried to be nice (and was) and tried to downplay the entire thing. We went to dinner, which ended up being shitty as the conversation and atmosphere was just totally weird because he felt terrible and I was irritated.

After dinner, we got back to his place and talked and watched TV for a couple minutes. I was stewing, thinking that I could not understand why he would completely ignore my wishes. I felt myself getting more pissed as I was sitting there so I announced that I was leaving. I was cordial. I wished him a good night and hugged him. Didn’t really look at him thought. I felt like crying on the way to the car. He told me he proceeded to cry uncontrollably for the next hour.

After I got home, I had an email waiting for me from him and we texted for a few minutes and then chatted for an hour.

I honestly contemplated dumping him over this. I figured that we had only been dating for six weeks and I wasn’t sure that I could trust him. I was thinking that there are other guys out there and that maybe this was a sign that we just were not meant to be. For me, trust is everything really.

He asked me if I wanted to break up and I told him that I didn’t think that I did. And after a night and another day of thinking, I definitely do not. Everyone makes mistakes and I am absolutely convinced that I have somehow (very quickly and luckily) found a rare, great, guy.

Tonight, I asked him to dinner again. Everything was somewhat back to normal. I am still pissed but not nearly as much as I was. He still feels terrible and has promised to let me have some privacy with this blog. I expect all will be well in another day or so.

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Gay Bar

I went to my first gay bar this weekend.

After having a decent dinner Friday night, myself, Bell Guy and two of his friends went to a nice, low-key gay bar, JR’s. Although I am not a bar or club person, I liked it. There was a wide mix of guys there, from hot young guys to older guys. I actually had a lot of fun people watching. Bell Guy and his friends kept asking me what I thought about the place. Since I really didn’t have any expectations, it was difficult to answer their question. JR’s was pretty chill and I’d go back. (I think I probably will be going back, too, because it is Bell Guy’s favorite bar.)

After that bar, we went to another bar/club, Cobalt. Unfortunately, the old bear bar has closed so all of the bears had migrated over to Cobalt. (No offense to any of you readers that are bears lol.) I was expecting a pretty young crowd and it was not at all. We only stayed a few minutes before heading home.

On Saturday, we drove past the SUV below. I insisted that Bell Guy turn around so I could take a picture for Justin. I know how much he loves stuffed animals on or in cars.

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I Stay Over

Still trying to catch up on Bell Guy posts…this is a condensed version of a great night.

A few Fridays ago, Bell Guy and I made plans to go downtown for dinner and then look at the National and Capitol Christmas trees. I was also to stay at his place for the first time that night. Traffic was so terrible I arrived an hour later than planned.

For some reason, although he is rather sophisticated, Bell Guy did not have enough sheet sets for his bed. As in, he only had one set. I found this unacceptable, so I bought him another set. He was surprised at the funny gift and liked them.

We headed to a steakhouse downtown and the food was yummy.  After dinner, we walked towards the national tree and he wanted to hold my arm. I didn’t like doing that in public and I acted like a jerk and pushed him away. That was the first big (and only) mistake I’ve made with him so far. I could have handled it better and I really hurt him by acting the way I did. I have told myself a hundred times that I cannot mess this up and disappoint him. We continued walking and he was clearly aggravated and I tried to apologize. I said that I never see guys holding one another in public. Ten minutes later, when we arrived at the tree, there were two guys holding hands (Aren’t I brilliant?). We talked about it and I told him that I would try to do better, but I also said that I have only been out for four months and he was my first real boyfriend so, overall, I’m doing pretty well and this process is made of steps, not all accomplished at once.

Things between us ended up fine and we walked to the Capitol tree. I had never seen that tree and it was so much better than the national tree. And there were only a few people there, compared to the hordes at the national tree.

Once back at Bell Guy’s place we went to bed and had sex for the first time. So, that was the first time I had sex with him or any guy for that matter. (I told myself that I wouldn’t get into details about that on here so I won’t. It was great though.)

Afterwards, right before we fell asleep, I told him I loved him. He popped his head up, looked over, and said “what.” I repeated it, he said he loved me and started kissing me like crazy.

Now, earlier that week, I had told a couple of you that I was considering telling him that I loved him. Fact is, we had only been going out a couple of weeks and the consensus was I should keep my mouth shut. However, I was positive how I felt and I really thought the feeling was mutual. I decided that I was not going to hold back my feelings. Life is too short for that and here we are, two weeks or so later, and I am so glad I told him how I felt. If anything bad were to ever happen to me, he will know forever how I feel.

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One Month Anniversary

Today is the one month anniversary for me and Bell Guy. Yay!

This pic was taken New Year’s Eve in Central Park. I’m on the left, he’s on the right.

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A Kiss

Back to catching up on Bell Guy…

A couple weeks ago I had to attend an afternoon office Christmas party downtown. I decided that I would park at Bell Guy’s apartment and take the subway down.

Bell Guy worked from home that day so after visiting with him for a few minutes, we walked to the subway. He kissed me goodbye, which was kind of a milestone for me. It was my first very public gay kiss. Public displays of affection are still a challenge for me, which I will blog about in future posts. Nobody heckled or threw anything at us so I survived.

After the uneventful party, when I got back to Bell Guy’s place, he cooked a nice baked chicken dinner with green beans and potatoes for us. He is a good cook and specifically cooked those foods because he knows I like them. He really is a thoughtful guy.

Later that night, I went further sexually with him (he gives magnificent blow jobs) but had to leave after to go home. I hate leaving him. I wish I could spend all of my free time with him.

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An Awakening

I know I have been bad. It has been many days since I had a meaningful post. Truth is, I have been spending virtually all of my free time with Bell Guy. I do not know where to begin to catch up, but I am going to try. I want to be able to look back at this and have a pretty accurate record of what’s gone on.

So, going way back…about two weeks ago to our third date. We met for dinner on Friday and were trying to figure out what to do next. We chatted at the restaurant until about 9pm and really had no idea of what to do next. I decided I wanted to see his place and suggested we head there. After some convincing, he agreed. (He didn’t want me to have to drive all the way there and back.)

When we got to his place, we sat on his sofa and chatted and cuddled. That soon led to making out and we were uncomfortable on the sofa so we went over to his bed.

I think it was that night I discovered that someone kissing my neck passionately totally makes me hot. Bell Guy is intense in bed and very good. I am not going to get into more detail than that except to say we didn’t go all the way that night but got far enough and we both really enjoyed it. Laying on his bed naked with him and just talking and holding one another was amazing. It was an awakening for me.

I didn’t want to leave him but did about 3am.

Stay tuned because I am determined to get caught up before Christmas!

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Boston and Bell Update

A few updates:

– I have not heard a word from Boston Guy since sending him the message the other night. He is done with school so I have little doubt that he has read it. I said hi to him on aim tonight and he chose not to reply. I hope I have not lost a friend but there is not a lot more that I can do and my message to him was sincere and from the heart.

– Things with Bell Guy have been going nicely. I do not even know where to start. We’ve been out four times, and each date was pretty long, so I have spent a lot of time with him in the last week. I almost need to pinch myself each day because I realize how lucky I am to have found him. I’ve just been totally swept off my feet. I’ll try to put some posts together about our times together soon. I am seeing him tomorrow and feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve: I just can’t wait!

There have been some implications with my wife the amount of time I have spent with Bell Guy and I need to blog about that too. Nothing crazy, but I am taking some new steps and it has an effect on her too. I am trying to strike a balance…

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