A Disastrous Call to Mom

As I previously posted, I received a long email from Mom about ten days ago. I said that I was busy with our corporate event, and I’d get back to her. I was trying to figure out what I was going to say when I received the following email today:

I think telling me when you did was unfair of you. You haven’t answered any of my questions. You haven’t told anyone else in the family that I know of (meaning (my brother) or (a specific cousin) or any of your other cousins.) Thus, I get to dwell on this and mull it over on my own. You couldn’t tell (my brother) – not because it may upset him – because you didn’t just want to throw something together in a hurry. Are you still so incredibly busy? I don’t understand the rush to tell me if you were just going to leave me hanging out there. You tell me and that’s that? I’m now on my mine to sort out how I feel about you, about losing (my wife), about losing what I thought the future was going to be, about (my niece) not having (my wife) for an aunt, about (my niece) not having cousins????? Well, I am tired of saying that I don’t know anything more about Thanksgiving when (sister-in-law) asks me (although that part is true since you haven’t bothered to tell me anything.) Since you are fine now, I think you should forgo the letters and emails and just pick up the phone to tell (brother) and (cousin). Then, maybe they can fill me in.

I did not like this email but I knew she had been having difficulty dealing with this. She had sent my wife an email complaining that I was not availing myself to her and answering her questions and my wife responded that I just needed time and that I would respond to her when I was comfortable. Mom is most angry, I believe, that the plan she had for me has gone completely awry. No wife. No grandkids (already has one however). Nobody likes change and I realize that.

A couple issues that I will not address below: I did tell Mom weeks ago that my wife and I were fine. I guess she took this to mean everything, overall, was fine? I originally told her this so she would not freak out and worry. Didn’t work. I was going to tell my brother at one point but Mom objected. I have no idea what I am doing for Thanksgiving. I do know that I’d rather eat day old Boston Market by myself than go home.

I wrote a draft email back, but at Boston Guy’s urging, I decided to call Mom instead. Although he was probably right, the call was a complete disaster.

I said that I was calling her about the email. She said ok and nothing else. I said that I thought the email was mean, which was a big mistake.

I tried to take some notes as she cried, screamed and cursed at me but did a poor job of doing so. I cannot stress enough how badly this call went. I did note that she very clearly said that I chose to be gay. When I had the opportunity, I corrected her and said that I was choosing to live my life as a gay man but I did not choose to be gay. I said that it would be completely unfair to run around my wife’s back, have anonymous sex in bathrooms and leave a double life. She had no response.

There were long pauses on her end throughout the conversation. Uncomfortably long and, frankly, unexpected since she had demanded that I discuss all of this with her. It is not easy to have a discussion when there is no dialogue from the other person. I said that the call was an opportunity to talk and was told that she will call me whenever she fucking pleases.

I said that I was not comfortable talking to her or Dad about the details because they were very personal but I did have people I could talk to. I remember saying that while I wanted to be there for those around me, I had to worry about my mental health first and foremost. I explained that I was going through more changes than anyone else. I said that I was not out at work, and thus living a double life, that none of my friends knew, that I had no gay friends, that I was losing my two dogs and, essentially my life was completely changing. No response.

She said that I had to have been with a man (meaning sex) to know for certain. I denied doing so and explained some guys, some who happen to read this blog, know for certain without having sex. As I have said, I fooled around with a guy so I knew for sure. In a way, her knowing that would give her comfort that I liked being with a guy, but she has said that if I had cheated on my wife it would have taken her a long time to forgive me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. That, however, is absolutely none of her business and she will never know.

She did ask how dare I knew, live a normal life and not say anything. I said that I told my wife as soon as I knew for certain and the timing was the best it could be for my wife. I said I agonized over the decision and timing.

Mom seems to think that my brother will be devastated by me being gay and she wants to be able to lean on him I think. I specifically said in my letter to her that she could tell her boyfriend because I did not want Mom to have nobody to talk to. I will send my brother an email but I need to explain to him to keep his mouth shut as he knows many people I work with, as he used to work in the company. I explained this to her and got a long pause and moved on. My wife and I agree that my brother will handle the news fine but hopefully will take some pressure off of me.

She wanted to know how I could send her a letter, with no warning, like I did when I had been living “the perfect life.” I said that I handled it the best way I could and giving her clues or a warning would not have been appropriate nor would it have been beneficial. She said she wanted an email saying my wife and I were in real trouble and then that be followed up with the letter. That would not have worked, as she would have been a basket case while waiting for the letter.

I cannot remember what else was said. It went so poorly that as soon as I hung up, my wife came upstairs because she overheard what happened.

I think Mom will adjust at some point. I know in my heart there was not a better way I could handle this. Admittedly, I waited too long to respond to her, but I think I did that knowing that the outcome would not be positive.

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Cast of Characters Part III

Okay, long post tonight but I wanted to finish writing about Boston Guy:

Boston Guy and I discussed meeting one another. At this point, I still did not consider myself gay nor did I think I would ever leave my wife. We figured we would meet and that meeting would help me clear up my confusion. We arranged a few meetings but they never materialized. Something would always come up and it became something of a joke. For example, last November, we had a really good opportunity but he crashed his car so that meeting was scrapped, as was his car. Kidding. About the car that is.

He would sometimes waffle on the idea of meeting. I have gotten to know him so well I know when something isn’t right with him. He said that he didn’t want to be the “cheat” but also realized that I was stuck and was not going to do anything about my situation without meeting a guy.

Let’s fast forward to late March of this year. We were to meet in my town over a long weekend. I chatted with him the Thursday evening before and things seemed fine. He was not around Friday and Saturday, which normally was not uncommon, but considering he was supposed to be on his way to see me that Sunday, it was odd.

I called and sent him texts. Nothing. I emailed him. Nothing. Was he hurt? Dead? I had no idea. What I did know was I was very disappointed and worried. That Monday, or so, he updated his myspace page, so I knew he was around and safe. I could not fathom why he was ignoring me and I was pretty much freaking out.

I honestly thought that Boston Guy felt so pressured by the meeting and being a “cheat” that he was unable to handle it and had just had enough of the entire relationship. That was my theory in all of this and I was very sorry that I put him in the situation. I just could not believe that he was willing to throw away an 18-month relationship and continual future friendship over this.

Gentlemen, he ignoring me continued for nearly one month. I wrote him letters and mailed them to him. No response. I sent emails to every address I had for him. No response. I left him voice mail messages totally begging him to let me know what happened so I could move on. No response. I called him at work. No response; staff would not put me through. I called him where he volunteers. Same result. I was completely and totally crushed. Just devastated. I am incapable of putting the thoughts I had at that time into words. It was, quite simply, the darkest time in my life.

During this time, I had to attend two funerals (which is very unusual for me) and my wife found a gay blog I had visited and confronted me about it. I was unable to move past Boston Guy. My life was spiraling out of control. I was suicidal. I was not able to hold it together at work but somehow hid all of this from my wife and coworkers. I would just shut my door and cry at the office and cry at night after my wife went to bed. I have learned that to be ignored, with no explanation whatsoever, by someone that you love, may be the worst form of mental torture out there.

My best friend from college, who I’ll call Tennis Pro, sent me an email about nothing one day (I think this was mid-April) and at the end of the message, asked how I was. Well, I responded to Tennis Pro and spilled my guts. I told him that I thought I might be gay and told him about Boston Guy. Needless to say he was stunned. I told him that I was not able to function and was not able to deal with the Boston Guy fallout.

I will post more about the role of Tennis Pro in all of this soon. He basically encouraged me to get professional help and was there for me through most of the mess with Boston Guy. I’ve often wondered if he saved my life.

In late April, Boston Guy sent me a text asking him to call him. This was the first communication, of any kind, from him in about 30 days. I called and he didn’t answer and we ended up chatting online a couple long days later. Boston Guy explained to me that a gay study buddy, whom I knew about, had come onto him in his apartment and they slept together. Boston Guy claimed to be so upset about it that he didn’t know how to handle it. His response to his guilt was to stop communicating with me. I never thought he’d sleep with another guy. We did have an understanding and were committed to one another, as crazy as that seems. I was far more disappointed in how he dealt with the situation than the actual act of sleeping with the other guy.

I asked Boston Guy where we were. Did he still have feelings for me? Was he dating this other guy? Boston Guy did not have time to talk about it due to finals. This was a bullshit excuse but he quickly blocked me again and this went on for several more days. The emotional roller coaster continued.

After those several days passed, he said that he no longer loved me but he was not dating anyone. He did not know what he wanted or where I fit in with his life but he was around and we chatted consistently.

Over the last few months, we have been rebuilding what we had. After much work, we are back to where we were before he slept with the other guy. He decided that he would not be the guy that I would experiment with to prove to myself that I was gay. He still did not want to be the “cheat” and I understood.

I had, occasionally, still said that I loved him. I decided long ago that life is too short to hide my feelings for him. One night, about a month ago, after I said I loved him he responded back that he loved me too. That was the first time I had heard that from him since March. He said that he always loved and I knew that (um, not!). He was just confused. He telling me that he loved me, after a few months of not hearing that, was very nice.

When I came out to my wife a couple weeks ago, the very first thing I did when she left the room after our talk, was text Boston Guy. He knew that I was probably going to come out to her that day but he did not respond. That night, several hours later, he said he did not have his phone with him when he was at a barbeque. He left it in the car?!?! This upset me because he knew it was going to be one of the biggest days of my life. He was not particularly supportive. He was not negative by any means; he just was not around very much for those first few days after I came out. I think that he got overwhelmed with the entire situation. Boston Guy has real trouble expressing his emotions sometimes and it is a real problem for us. He indicated that he just did not know what to say. He had no experience with all of this because he was not married when he came out. I understand that completely but I just wanted him around. I wanted him to call me when he got that text. I didn’t need answers. I just wanted someone to listen. I needed my man.

Boston Guy and I are scheduled to meet on October 7. Until Monday, he was very uneasy about meeting. I had to practically interrogate him to get the reason: body image. He feels as though he has gotten fat. I told him that I am in love with him and his looks are a small part of what makes him the man he is. I love the entire him, from body to personality to his intelligence. I guess he is afraid that I will not love him when I see him. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am so into that man right now I cannot describe it.

I hope that he comes through for me and does not flake out. I am worried about him disappearing or coming up with a ridiculous excuse as to why we should not meet. If any of that happens, I’ll be heartbroken, but I will also know that it simply was not meant to be and I will begin to move on. He is well aware of that. I am not foolish enough to think that he is the one for me forever. Maybe he is; maybe he isn’t. I do know that he was essential to my growth and my coming out process over the last two years and I am thankful that something brought us together that night in the chat room. Regardless of what happens, I hope he remains a close friend forever, as he will always hold a special place in my heart.

Last night, I said that I’d explain why I thought it was possible to love someone whom you’ve never met. The pain I felt when he vanished in April was my heart being broken into a million pieces after being in love. I am absolutely, totally convinced of that. I very much want to meet him and, when we are ready, allow him to be the first man I have sex with. After over two years, it is time.

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Cast of Characters Part II

So Boston Guy and I continued to chat virtually every night.

One evening, not long after we met (by met, I mean in the chat room), he told me that his dog had died that day. I did not yet know him well and did not know what to say. He said there was nothing to say but I wanted to say or do something. He grew up with that dog and I felt terrible for him but I just let it go. Boy, how I would handle things differently if that were to happen today!

We traded naked pics after a few weeks and then started getting off together while chatting. I never thought I would do that with a guy but it was just another step in what would be my process of self-discovery.

We later exchanged last names, which was also a big step for me. He now had enough info on me to be able to out me if he wanted, or certainly be able to create misery for me.

After a few months I remember wanting to give him my phone number. This was a huge step for me. I told him that I wanted him to have it, just in case. He need not ever call I told him. He also gave me his number. As I said, this was huge for me. I had never given my phone number to a guy, under these circumstances before. I was becoming attached to him.

I remember one night soon after exchanging numbers we chatted about calling one another. We decided to call one another and I even remember the conversation and exactly where I was sitting! This was probably late in the Fall of 2005. I was so nervous talking to him. I felt like a middle school kid at his first boy-girl dance. We chatted about nothing for a while and it was just awesome. Again, this night was a step in my process.

Throughout our chats, I was able to ask Boston Guy very frank questions about guys and gay sex. Until meeting him, my only knowledge was from what I read and saw on the internet. We continued to have fairly regular cyber sex and he had told me that he only bottomed for very special guys. It took months but one night, out of the blue, he said “I want you in me Eliot.” I was just stunned. And quite happy.

Eventually we began to have phone sex. I, again, was ridiculously nervous but he made me feel at ease and also did most of the talking. To hear another man moan when he shot his load was just amazing to me.

It is important that I point out that probably over ninety-five percent of the time I spent chatting with him was nonsexual. It was every day conversation, like “How was your day?” type stuff. We talked about nothing as Seinfeld fans would say. We also played some yahoo games as well. That chance meeting, months earlier, had turned into a real relationship, albeit on the internet.

At some point, probably January 2006, I indirectly told him I loved him. I had actually been joking about something, like I am always doing, and said something to the effect of “I still love you” after he did something lame. He took it literally and I was very much okay with that. Can you really love someone you have never met? I think so and I’ll explain why tomorrow.

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Cast of Characters Part I

I am going to introduce my Cast of Characters over the next couple of days. We are going to start with the most special character in my tiny gay world. I am going to name him Boston Guy because I can never keep names in other blogs straight so I am going to refrain from using names.

I met Boston Guy in a Yahoo chat room a little over two years ago. This really was the beginning of my journey. I had occasionally been in gay chat rooms several weeks before meeting him but nothing came of it. I was curious and chatted with a few guys but I did not save their info or ever chat with them again. Boston Guy was different. That night, we chatted for a very long tome. We had some sort of a connection.

I was 28 and Boston Guy was young at 21. As I said, we hit it off and added each other to our messenger lists. That first night I did not tell him that I was married. The second time we chatted, which I recall being the next night, I did tell him that I was married. He was okay with that info because I am sure that he figured we’d just fade away and not become friends or anything more serious. Well, that didn’t happen.

I remember continuing to chat with him almost every evening. I went on a business trip for about a week and, due to the time change, did not get to chat with him. I remember missing being able to chat but we picked right up when I returned. He sent me a picture and I did the same (they were G rated you pervs). I was growing comfortable with him and had the opportunity to talk to a real gay guy, about gay life, which I really had never done before. Boston Guy had come out a few years earlier, when he was a freshman in college. Although young, he was pretty grounded. He seemed to know what he wanted to do with his life and had experience in both fleeting and serious, long term relationships.

(Okay, I have a long way to go with writing about Boston Guy and considered saving this and continuing tomorrow. Instead, since I promised myself I’d post more, you’re going to get what I have and wait until tomorrow for the rest. I’m sure my three regular readers will be crushed by this lol.)

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Finally Back

I’ve been away from this much longer than I wanted. Now that work has calmed down, maybe I’ll be able to post as the title of my blog suggests I would. Maybe I should have named it Semiweekly Briefing.

I have decided to take this blog a little more anonymous now. It irritates me to do so, but there is much at stake with the pending divorce and future relationship with my wife and the possibility of me being outed at work. So, some of you readers that have been with me for a while will notice I now have a new name and my location is changing as well.

Let’s start with the addition of a couple of blogs to my blogroll.

– I am the Price of Freedom. I haven’t gotten the opportunity to get to know Ricky yet but his posts are pretty good and wide ranging, especially his most recent post. I hate bullies and I am glad that some kids today are not putting up with it.

– The Chaos Within. I got to chat with Paul the other night and he has gone through what I am going through. ‘Nuff said.

There are lots of other blogs that I read every day and some on my blogroll that I have not written about. I am going to try to highlight at least one a week. It occurs to me that if all bloggers did that, we’d all probably gain readers and this entire experience would be improved.

***

I guess I need to get into my journey to coming out a little bit. I have not had sex with another guy before but I did fool around with one a couple months ago to prove to myself that my thoughts were not crazy. Although I am not happy I did it, it would be hard to say that I regret it. There was no way I could have come out without doing that. Shrink had said he did not think it was necessary since some straight people wait until marriage to have sex and still know that they are straight. I pointed out to him that even those people hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. before marriage. My situation was different of course but I could not accept myself as who I am without an encounter with a guy.

I really thought this guy, who I found on craigslist, and I was very up front and honest with, would become a friend. We emailed and chatted quite a bit before meeting and he and I had gone to lunch and dinner a couple times as well. He knew I was getting close to telling my wife but I was not in constant contact with him. Well, the day I told her, I emailed and texted a few people that were aware of my situation. He was one of those people. He did not say one word. No response whatsoever. I sent him a text a few days later asking if he had gotten my email and the text did not get a response either. This was pretty disappointing. No, it was very disappointing. I honestly did not see myself dating him but I was very much hoping that he would let me into his gay world.

Let me say this: If anyone, whether I know them well or not, ever takes the time to personally tell me that they just came out, they are going to get a response from me. It is just the right thing to do.

***

I received another long email from Mom last week. I am not going to post it because it is very long and there is not much new with it. She is struggling and I am going to let things simmer down for now.

Mom cannot understand how I can know that I am gay unless I have had sex with a guy. Mom and I have never been extremely close and I will not get into my thoughts, what I have and have not done with a guy or my timeline with all of this with Mom. Mom is completely unaware of the massive intimacy problems in my marriage as well. Not to sound mean, but none of this is any of her business and is extremely personal. I do not want to go into details about the above with my wife either as I do not want to hurt her more than I already have. She knows that I have not had sex with a guy and knows that I had thoughts beginning last year. I see no reason to go further than that and I am not sure that she wants to know (she is not asking). I have always prided myself in being open and honest and this entire thing bothers the hell out of me but I know that keeping my mouth shut in this case will be better for everyone. I do not think I am wrong here but I guess time will tell.

Mom also latched on to statement that I made in my original letter that I am sometimes in denial. She seems to think that amounts to doubt, but I do not agree. Are there days I wake up and think this is all a bad dream? Yes. Is that doubt? No.

Finally, Mom seems to think there is no way my wife is doing well with all of this since Mom is not and I am just wrong for thinking that she is. Well, I see my wife every day and spend lots of time with her and she seems to be doing very well. There will be ups and downs, like there will be for me, but I think she knows that we will both be better off in the future and takes comfort that I have not been having a sordid affair or been screwing around for years. She thinks that I handled all of this in the best possible way and I agree. Looking back I would not change anything, because this was a process and all of the steps were necessary. I will get into the other steps in later posts.

My wife told me that Mom is seeing a counselor about all of this and that is probably good. I love my Mom and want her to be happy and get through this but I am not going to leave my comfort zone with her. That is selfish, but I have to take care of myself first in all of this.

I saw Dad at work last week. All was well but we did not talk about any of this thank god. I’d like to keep it that way and I suspect that he may also. As you saw in his message, he is there if I need him but I feel more comfortable leaning on people other than my parents.

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Messages from Parents

Yikes! Work is just killing me. I have stuff I want to post about but it is going to have to wait. I do want to post the two emails I received from the parents last night. First, Mom. I tried to delete parts of it that were not at all relevant, but it is still really long:

Dear Eliot,
As you might imagine, I have tons of questions. I am trying to get some kind of handle on this and find myself struggling. I really have only your letter to go on and, of course, many things were left out of that letter. I thought about nothing but this all weekend. Mostly, I don’t understand the certainty that you are feeling in what seems to be such a limited amount of time. I am certainly not in any position to know how your marriage to (her) was going other than what I saw when I would visit. I was envious of what I saw. Now, I am just very confused. I remember the stories of how you first met her. How you followed her around and turned up everywhere at her elbow. How, to my knowledge, she was the first girl to really steal your heart. And, it seemed like you were pretty miserable when the two of you split up for a while. Have you even thought about a separation? Is divorce the only option? I have to be honest with you. I very selfishly do not want to lose (her). But, this isn’t about me. It certainly affects my life and what I anticipated my life to be, but it really isn’t about me.

I am emailing back and forth with (her) and am in awe of how she is handling this thus far. I do not think I would be as gracious. Maybe that’s an age thing or maybe it is my issues with the past getting mixed with the issues of today.

I would like to ask that you not share this with (my brother) for a while simply because I feel he already has a great amount of stuff going on in his life. Anyway, it is just a request. Of course, if his dad knows and you think he may say something to (him), then certainly it would be better coming from you.

I am also wondering if you are completely “happy” with the therapist and trust what he/she is saying. Is he/she one who agrees with everything you say, or does he/she attempt to have you look at things from many different angles? Sometimes they are very influential. Would you even want to consider seeing another one to see if the outcome is the same? And, by outcome, I mean your thought processes. I also have to wonder if you are under extraordinary pressure at work? And, was (my wife) wanting to start a family? I thank God that you didn’t already have children together.

I don’t know how long you have been having these thoughts. I don’t know if you have acted upon those thoughts. I don’t know why after just a few months, you feel so strongly and so positively certain of yourself that you send me a letter via overnight mail. I understand that conveys the seriousness of the content, but it also puts a spin of urgency that I am not understanding. I know that when you make up your mind about something, you become very focused on attaining that goal whatever that goal may be and in the shortest amount of time possible. You can afford to take your time on something of this magnitude, can’t you?

Again, I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to write that letter. The fact that it was handwritten was not lost on me. I understand from the letter that you are certainly having problems with guilt. I wonder what other feelings you are experiencing.

In the end, I want you and (my wife) to both be happy. I don’t want either of you scarred for life from this, but I can’t control any of that. Unless you are trying to keep up appearances of still being together, wouldn’t a separation be called for? Of course, I don’t know the particulars so (my wife) may not even be amiable to that course of action. It’s true though – sometimes you really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. If it’s not already too late, it certainly seems that the two of you are worth exploring every option.

Love, Mom

The above email frustrated me. I know she is having difficulty with all of this but I wish she’d accept it or at least read my letter again. I know these things take time and she clearly has not accepted it yet and has a long way to go. I will wait a few days to reply to her. I have lots more to say about her message, hopefully tomorrow.

Okay, Dad’s email, which I looked at when I got to work this morning. It almost made me cry.

Dear Eliot,

I’m sorry I didn’t read your letter sooner. We just got back into town about 1030PM and I just picked it up from under the mountain of mail that has collected since Thursday.

It is all OK. I love you. There is nothing different between today and yesterday. I only care about your well being. I just shared with (my step mom) (after you mentioned in your letter it was OK) and she feels the same way. I agree with your thoughts that you do not share this with others. As you know, I believe one’s personal life is private to them, unfortunately others do not necessarily feel the same although I have never understood it.

You should not feel fault or guilt. You are a wonderful person and that does not change.

I know this is far more difficult for you than for me and I am available anytime to talk about whatever you choose.

I Love You,

Dad

I am pleased that he, too, is supportive. I figured he would be, but always had those “what if” thoughts since he is also my employer.

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“I Love My Penis”

That was the text on an air freshener that was hanging on the rear view mirror of the car parked next to me at the mall today. People walking by must have been wondering what I was laughing at while getting into my car.

I had a really busy weekend, mostly because of work. I finally completed an online class I have been putting off. This was the last module (most were classroom sessions) needed to obtain a pretty prestigious certification for work. The class was supposed to take 8 hours but I got it done in about half that time, probably because it was designed for people close to twice my age. I just need to apply for the certification now and it will be mine. Yay me! I also spent a few hours working on a small project for a big convention we hare having this week. I will be glad when it is over as the entire event is my responsibility and is making my life more stressful than it needs to be.

For that upcoming event I bought a new suit and dress shirt at the mall today. It probably isn’t as hip as Eric’s new outfit, but I am clearly not the fashionista that he is. The suit is a navy pinstripe Calvin Klein model and the shirt a Nordstrom white dress shirt that I do not have to iron- sweet!). I’ll probably wear my Timberland dress shoes and I haven’t decided on the tie or boxers I will be wearing yet. LOL. Thankfully I virtually never have to suit up but this event on Thursday warrants it. I finished the evening by going to dinner with my wife, who already has a cold, and she has only been back at school for two weeks. Damn sickly middle school kids!

I was completely thrilled that OJ was locked up today. Hopefully, he won’t wriggle out of these charges and will serve some prison time.

I learned Friday night that a group of thugs had thrown a 16-year-old transgender girl through a plate glass window in DC Thursday night. One of said thugs (a 17-year-old male) was promptly arrested and it was reported that he had been arrested twice last week for throwing bricks at cars being operated by gay men. Now, how the hell do you get arrested three times in one week? Are you that fucking slow that you cannot run from the police or do you just not give a damn? Regardless, he has now been charged with a hate crime and remains in jail. The other thugs apparently got away, so many he is just a fat thug that cannot run fast. I used to have quite a bit of involvement with a local police department, as a volunteer cop, and instances like this make me think about getting involved again. That is a post for another time.

I was remiss last night in not mentioning that I have great parents and I appreciated Mom’s response to my letter. She loves my wife so this entire mess will be hard on Mom too. I have not heard from Dad yet.

My goal this week with this blog is to get into my Cast of Characters a little bit and begin to post about how I came to discover that I am gay.

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Mom Responds

Mom got the letter this afternoon and emailed me tonight. Dad is out of town for the weekend so I’m not sure when he will get his letter. (Newsflash: Someone just rang the doorbell and ran off. It is midnight here and they interrupted my football watching. Asses. Sheriff is on the way to drive by and hopefully accidentally run over the little miscreant.) Ok, so here is Mom’s email:

I received your letter early this afternoon, Eliot. I can understand you not feeling capable of having a conversation on the phone about this yet. I don’t think I am ready either. It is indeed big news and will take some time to digest. I love both you and (my wife) so very much and I am hurting for both of you. I don’t want either of you to be sad or unhappy in your lives. I am glad that you were able to tell me. It couldn’t have been easy to write that letter. I can’t even imagine how difficult this has been and is. I was relieved to read that you were seeing someone to help give you guidance with this. Give me a few days to absorb this and I will be better able to be the kind of mom I want to be for you. I Love You. I will always love you. Everything will turn out okay.

I wasn’t planning on posting tonight until I got that email. I have been very busy sitting on my ass watching TV. I do have lots of juicy things to say (not really) tomorrow.

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Quiet Day

Kind of a quiet day really. When I am at work, subjects to blog about are always popping into my mind. Then, by the end of the day, my mind has turned to mush, and I can’t remember what these great ideas were. I may need to start to take some notes or email myself. It is not my intention for this blog to only be about me and my coming out. I have views on all sorts of stuff but, for now, the coming out/marriage issue is still pretty huge.

I did not have time to hand write Mom’s letter today so I’ve got to do that tomorrow. I also want to get Dad’s done tomorrow as well. It will be similar, but I work for him and need to address this situation and how I want to deal with it at work. Shrink is concerned that I may become emotional at seeing him for the first time after he receives the letter. I still have not figured out how I am going to deal with this.

Today was the first day, since coming out to my wife, that I have seen the lady at work that knows about my situation. She gave me a hug and we talked for quite a while. It was nice and I am glad I had the courage to spill my guts to her a few months ago. She was the only local person that knows of my situation. I will introduce the rest of my cast of characters and how they helped me realize the truth about myself in future posts.

My wife had another great day today. She is quite upbeat and dealing with this well. Her friends at work have been totally supportive and have gone out of their way for her. One of those friends, who is also a friend of mine, allegedly almost fell on the floor yesterday when she told him that we were getting a divorce. (Perhaps I have not made that clear in previous posts. We will be divorcing.) She did not tell him the reason for the divorce., so I thought I’d send him a text last night:

Me: I’m gay.
-long pause-
Him: Huh?
Me: That’s the reason for the divorce. I’m gay.
-long pause-
Him: Is everything ok over there right now?
Me: Yep, we’re watching TV.
Him: Well, you both are really great friends and I’m here for the both of you.

I really wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. I thought he may have been one of those “friends” who would decide that he did not want to be friends anymore after he found out I was gay. It appears as though I was wrong and I’m glad.

I need to give a shout out to a couple blogger pals that I’ve exchanged several emails with or chatted with. Eric is just a great guy and has a great blog and does podcasting as well. Eric gave me some advice on an issue that I will also post about in the future. (It seems as though I have a lot of posting to do. Suddenly my brain is not as mushy.) It is worth your time to check him out. Chris has a unique writing style and I have really enjoyed chatting with him. He, too, is worth a read.

A quick note about the Rev. James Kennedy, who was buried today. While I feel for his friends and family, Kennedy was a bigot and I’m glad he is gone. He oversaw a mega church and television mimistry that espoused hate and divisiveness and is widely recognized for pioneering the often fraudulent “ex-gay” movement. A dangerous man and this country is better off without him.

Well, this has been my longest post by far and it is time for bed. Until later, bitches. 😉

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A Letter to Mom

I am sending this to Mom (although I am hand writing it) and expect that she will receive it Friday. A big step indeed.

Dear Mom,

I love you and what I am about to say will never change that.

I am gay.

I told (my wife) Sunday afternoon and I am writing you a letter because I am not emotionally able to have a conservation about this with you yet.

(My wife) took the news better than anyone could have expected, and could not be any more supportive. She, however, is struggling. Her emotions come in waves, similar to grief i suppose. Wednesday, however, was a great day for her.

We are not going to change anything major at the moment. Nobody is moving out right away although I suspect she will eventually move to Florida. Her goal is to get through this school year and I am going to do everything I can to help her accomplish that.

The guilt I am feeling is crushing. I hate that I have caused this and, regardless of what anyone says, I am at fault. I hate that I have disappointed people and hate that I cannot fulfill my commitment to her. I am supposed to be the reliable and dependable one.

I want you to know that I am very sure that I am gay. I have known, without a doubt, for the past few months, but struggled with the knowledge. I have been seeing a psychologist for several months, beginning back when I realized that these thoughts I had been having were not going away, but instead becoming stronger.

Like some guys, I did not have these feelings back when I was a kid. I did not marry (my wife) knowing this or even having curiosities. Again, I do want you to know that while I probably get into denial occassionally, I am positive that I am gay. I am positive that I cannot change this and it is not fair to continue lying to myself any longer.

I am the same son I was yesterday. I know this is a huge shock to you and will be to all those that I choose to tell in the future. I do not fit any stereotypes, but neither do many gay guys. I look forward to, very soon I hope, being able to discuss this and answer your questions.

Love,
Eliot

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