I’ve been away from this much longer than I wanted. Now that work has calmed down, maybe I’ll be able to post as the title of my blog suggests I would. Maybe I should have named it Semiweekly Briefing.
I have decided to take this blog a little more anonymous now. It irritates me to do so, but there is much at stake with the pending divorce and future relationship with my wife and the possibility of me being outed at work. So, some of you readers that have been with me for a while will notice I now have a new name and my location is changing as well.
Let’s start with the addition of a couple of blogs to my blogroll.
– I am the Price of Freedom. I haven’t gotten the opportunity to get to know Ricky yet but his posts are pretty good and wide ranging, especially his most recent post. I hate bullies and I am glad that some kids today are not putting up with it.
– The Chaos Within. I got to chat with Paul the other night and he has gone through what I am going through. ‘Nuff said.
There are lots of other blogs that I read every day and some on my blogroll that I have not written about. I am going to try to highlight at least one a week. It occurs to me that if all bloggers did that, we’d all probably gain readers and this entire experience would be improved.
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I guess I need to get into my journey to coming out a little bit. I have not had sex with another guy before but I did fool around with one a couple months ago to prove to myself that my thoughts were not crazy. Although I am not happy I did it, it would be hard to say that I regret it. There was no way I could have come out without doing that. Shrink had said he did not think it was necessary since some straight people wait until marriage to have sex and still know that they are straight. I pointed out to him that even those people hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. before marriage. My situation was different of course but I could not accept myself as who I am without an encounter with a guy.
I really thought this guy, who I found on craigslist, and I was very up front and honest with, would become a friend. We emailed and chatted quite a bit before meeting and he and I had gone to lunch and dinner a couple times as well. He knew I was getting close to telling my wife but I was not in constant contact with him. Well, the day I told her, I emailed and texted a few people that were aware of my situation. He was one of those people. He did not say one word. No response whatsoever. I sent him a text a few days later asking if he had gotten my email and the text did not get a response either. This was pretty disappointing. No, it was very disappointing. I honestly did not see myself dating him but I was very much hoping that he would let me into his gay world.
Let me say this: If anyone, whether I know them well or not, ever takes the time to personally tell me that they just came out, they are going to get a response from me. It is just the right thing to do.
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I received another long email from Mom last week. I am not going to post it because it is very long and there is not much new with it. She is struggling and I am going to let things simmer down for now.
Mom cannot understand how I can know that I am gay unless I have had sex with a guy. Mom and I have never been extremely close and I will not get into my thoughts, what I have and have not done with a guy or my timeline with all of this with Mom. Mom is completely unaware of the massive intimacy problems in my marriage as well. Not to sound mean, but none of this is any of her business and is extremely personal. I do not want to go into details about the above with my wife either as I do not want to hurt her more than I already have. She knows that I have not had sex with a guy and knows that I had thoughts beginning last year. I see no reason to go further than that and I am not sure that she wants to know (she is not asking). I have always prided myself in being open and honest and this entire thing bothers the hell out of me but I know that keeping my mouth shut in this case will be better for everyone. I do not think I am wrong here but I guess time will tell.
Mom also latched on to statement that I made in my original letter that I am sometimes in denial. She seems to think that amounts to doubt, but I do not agree. Are there days I wake up and think this is all a bad dream? Yes. Is that doubt? No.
Finally, Mom seems to think there is no way my wife is doing well with all of this since Mom is not and I am just wrong for thinking that she is. Well, I see my wife every day and spend lots of time with her and she seems to be doing very well. There will be ups and downs, like there will be for me, but I think she knows that we will both be better off in the future and takes comfort that I have not been having a sordid affair or been screwing around for years. She thinks that I handled all of this in the best possible way and I agree. Looking back I would not change anything, because this was a process and all of the steps were necessary. I will get into the other steps in later posts.
My wife told me that Mom is seeing a counselor about all of this and that is probably good. I love my Mom and want her to be happy and get through this but I am not going to leave my comfort zone with her. That is selfish, but I have to take care of myself first in all of this.
I saw Dad at work last week. All was well but we did not talk about any of this thank god. I’d like to keep it that way and I suspect that he may also. As you saw in his message, he is there if I need him but I feel more comfortable leaning on people other than my parents.
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DAILY BRIEFING 