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Posts Tagged ‘blogging privacy’

Ugh. Things had been going so well with Bell Guy. Until he decided to go against my known wishes and search for, locate, and then proceed to read parts of my blog.

Out of the blue yesterday evening, due to guilt, Bell Guy told me that he had read my blog between some meetings yesterday. He knew that I would be upset.

I was kind of shell shocked. At first, I didn’t think that I cared. But as I thought about it, I did care. I cared a lot. He knew that I had the blog and I had told him about some of the posts (thus how he was able to google search and find it). He also knew, very clearly, that I did not want him to read it. He had said previously that it was my personal journal and, therefore, was really none of his business.

I asked him how he found the blog and he said by accident. After I stated that was clearly bullshit, he said he searched by using Zac Efron. Since this seems to be Zac headquarters lately, it didn’t take much effort to find me.

I asked him why he felt the need to do this and he said that he wondered about what I thought of him and my coming out process. I think I’ve been pretty good about telling him how I feel. As for the entire coming out process, I really didn’t want to share it completely with him. He is aware of Boston Guy and Military Guy and all that stuff and I have not hidden anything. I just didn’t want to share all of those feelings. I am rather private really.

He was very apologetic and was clearly sorry for making such a stupid, selfish mistake.

I had some negative feelings regarding Bell Guy early on. I had some issues, which I have since worked through, with going out with a “stereotypical” gay guy. I did not mention specifics about those feelings here (or to him or anyone else) and I still will not.

Last night, I told him that I was glad that I did not blog about all of my feelings. When I said that, he asked if it was because I had been dating other people when we first started dating. Since I had told him early on that was not the case, I proceeded to tell him that was the dumbest thing to ever come out of his mouth since I had known him. I mean seriously, his mind was so all over the place that he was not even thinking before he spoke.

So, last night I felt violated. A stupid feeling? Maybe, but I do not think so. How many of you share your blogs with friends and boyfriends? I already know the answer: very few of you.

He broke the trust I had in him. I tried to be nice (and was) and tried to downplay the entire thing. We went to dinner, which ended up being shitty as the conversation and atmosphere was just totally weird because he felt terrible and I was irritated.

After dinner, we got back to his place and talked and watched TV for a couple minutes. I was stewing, thinking that I could not understand why he would completely ignore my wishes. I felt myself getting more pissed as I was sitting there so I announced that I was leaving. I was cordial. I wished him a good night and hugged him. Didn’t really look at him thought. I felt like crying on the way to the car. He told me he proceeded to cry uncontrollably for the next hour.

After I got home, I had an email waiting for me from him and we texted for a few minutes and then chatted for an hour.

I honestly contemplated dumping him over this. I figured that we had only been dating for six weeks and I wasn’t sure that I could trust him. I was thinking that there are other guys out there and that maybe this was a sign that we just were not meant to be. For me, trust is everything really.

He asked me if I wanted to break up and I told him that I didn’t think that I did. And after a night and another day of thinking, I definitely do not. Everyone makes mistakes and I am absolutely convinced that I have somehow (very quickly and luckily) found a rare, great, guy.

Tonight, I asked him to dinner again. Everything was somewhat back to normal. I am still pissed but not nearly as much as I was. He still feels terrible and has promised to let me have some privacy with this blog. I expect all will be well in another day or so.

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