Archive for the ‘family’ Category

I am glad September is gone. The month was long and pretty much sucked. I think things went okay for me overall, and I accomplished much by telling the three most significant people in my life that I am gay, but I hope October is better. I am sincerely grateful to you guys that have taken the time to reach out to me over the last three weeks. I will find a way to repay you. You know who you are.

Last night, the call to Mom, and thus that post, was not expected. I have wanted to blog about some other stuff last night but realized that post was already really long.

On Saturday, I purchased my plane ticket to see Boston Guy. I am so freaking excited I cannot stand it. This will be a day trip, as I have to return to take care of the dogs, since my wife will be out of town. I will have about 8 hours with Boston Guy on Sunday. Just so happens I have a free hotel room I must use in the next two weeks. I asked him if I should book it for us and he said yes. So, I am going to book a room for the day. I feel like such a whore – but it’s free!

Unfortunately, late tonight Boston guy said that he just got an invitation to his nephew’s birthday party, which is scheduled to take place at the time I land. I felt like an eight year old that had his balloon popped when he told me this. He feels conflicted now. I told him just to let his brother know that he has a prior commitment and he’d drop by early to see his nephew and things would be fine. He says I do not know his brother and he doesn’t want to get on his bad side. I think that is a complete load of shit but we’ll see. He said that he would figure something out and let me know. I think it will work out but I am a worrywart. I asked if he wanted me not to come and he did not answer me. (To be fair I think he was studying.) I am not happy. If he backs out, I’m afraid I will call it quits with him.

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As I previously posted, I received a long email from Mom about ten days ago. I said that I was busy with our corporate event, and I’d get back to her. I was trying to figure out what I was going to say when I received the following email today:

I think telling me when you did was unfair of you. You haven’t answered any of my questions. You haven’t told anyone else in the family that I know of (meaning (my brother) or (a specific cousin) or any of your other cousins.) Thus, I get to dwell on this and mull it over on my own. You couldn’t tell (my brother) – not because it may upset him – because you didn’t just want to throw something together in a hurry. Are you still so incredibly busy? I don’t understand the rush to tell me if you were just going to leave me hanging out there. You tell me and that’s that? I’m now on my mine to sort out how I feel about you, about losing (my wife), about losing what I thought the future was going to be, about (my niece) not having (my wife) for an aunt, about (my niece) not having cousins????? Well, I am tired of saying that I don’t know anything more about Thanksgiving when (sister-in-law) asks me (although that part is true since you haven’t bothered to tell me anything.) Since you are fine now, I think you should forgo the letters and emails and just pick up the phone to tell (brother) and (cousin). Then, maybe they can fill me in.

I did not like this email but I knew she had been having difficulty dealing with this. She had sent my wife an email complaining that I was not availing myself to her and answering her questions and my wife responded that I just needed time and that I would respond to her when I was comfortable. Mom is most angry, I believe, that the plan she had for me has gone completely awry. No wife. No grandkids (already has one however). Nobody likes change and I realize that.

A couple issues that I will not address below: I did tell Mom weeks ago that my wife and I were fine. I guess she took this to mean everything, overall, was fine? I originally told her this so she would not freak out and worry. Didn’t work. I was going to tell my brother at one point but Mom objected. I have no idea what I am doing for Thanksgiving. I do know that I’d rather eat day old Boston Market by myself than go home.

I wrote a draft email back, but at Boston Guy’s urging, I decided to call Mom instead. Although he was probably right, the call was a complete disaster.

I said that I was calling her about the email. She said ok and nothing else. I said that I thought the email was mean, which was a big mistake.

I tried to take some notes as she cried, screamed and cursed at me but did a poor job of doing so. I cannot stress enough how badly this call went. I did note that she very clearly said that I chose to be gay. When I had the opportunity, I corrected her and said that I was choosing to live my life as a gay man but I did not choose to be gay. I said that it would be completely unfair to run around my wife’s back, have anonymous sex in bathrooms and leave a double life. She had no response.

There were long pauses on her end throughout the conversation. Uncomfortably long and, frankly, unexpected since she had demanded that I discuss all of this with her. It is not easy to have a discussion when there is no dialogue from the other person. I said that the call was an opportunity to talk and was told that she will call me whenever she fucking pleases.

I said that I was not comfortable talking to her or Dad about the details because they were very personal but I did have people I could talk to. I remember saying that while I wanted to be there for those around me, I had to worry about my mental health first and foremost. I explained that I was going through more changes than anyone else. I said that I was not out at work, and thus living a double life, that none of my friends knew, that I had no gay friends, that I was losing my two dogs and, essentially my life was completely changing. No response.

She said that I had to have been with a man (meaning sex) to know for certain. I denied doing so and explained some guys, some who happen to read this blog, know for certain without having sex. As I have said, I fooled around with a guy so I knew for sure. In a way, her knowing that would give her comfort that I liked being with a guy, but she has said that if I had cheated on my wife it would have taken her a long time to forgive me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. That, however, is absolutely none of her business and she will never know.

She did ask how dare I knew, live a normal life and not say anything. I said that I told my wife as soon as I knew for certain and the timing was the best it could be for my wife. I said I agonized over the decision and timing.

Mom seems to think that my brother will be devastated by me being gay and she wants to be able to lean on him I think. I specifically said in my letter to her that she could tell her boyfriend because I did not want Mom to have nobody to talk to. I will send my brother an email but I need to explain to him to keep his mouth shut as he knows many people I work with, as he used to work in the company. I explained this to her and got a long pause and moved on. My wife and I agree that my brother will handle the news fine but hopefully will take some pressure off of me.

She wanted to know how I could send her a letter, with no warning, like I did when I had been living “the perfect life.” I said that I handled it the best way I could and giving her clues or a warning would not have been appropriate nor would it have been beneficial. She said she wanted an email saying my wife and I were in real trouble and then that be followed up with the letter. That would not have worked, as she would have been a basket case while waiting for the letter.

I cannot remember what else was said. It went so poorly that as soon as I hung up, my wife came upstairs because she overheard what happened.

I think Mom will adjust at some point. I know in my heart there was not a better way I could handle this. Admittedly, I waited too long to respond to her, but I think I did that knowing that the outcome would not be positive.

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Finally Back

I’ve been away from this much longer than I wanted. Now that work has calmed down, maybe I’ll be able to post as the title of my blog suggests I would. Maybe I should have named it Semiweekly Briefing.

I have decided to take this blog a little more anonymous now. It irritates me to do so, but there is much at stake with the pending divorce and future relationship with my wife and the possibility of me being outed at work. So, some of you readers that have been with me for a while will notice I now have a new name and my location is changing as well.

Let’s start with the addition of a couple of blogs to my blogroll.

I am the Price of Freedom. I haven’t gotten the opportunity to get to know Ricky yet but his posts are pretty good and wide ranging, especially his most recent post. I hate bullies and I am glad that some kids today are not putting up with it.

The Chaos Within. I got to chat with Paul the other night and he has gone through what I am going through. ‘Nuff said.

There are lots of other blogs that I read every day and some on my blogroll that I have not written about. I am going to try to highlight at least one a week. It occurs to me that if all bloggers did that, we’d all probably gain readers and this entire experience would be improved.


I guess I need to get into my journey to coming out a little bit. I have not had sex with another guy before but I did fool around with one a couple months ago to prove to myself that my thoughts were not crazy. Although I am not happy I did it, it would be hard to say that I regret it. There was no way I could have come out without doing that. Shrink had said he did not think it was necessary since some straight people wait until marriage to have sex and still know that they are straight. I pointed out to him that even those people hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. before marriage. My situation was different of course but I could not accept myself as who I am without an encounter with a guy.

I really thought this guy, who I found on craigslist, and I was very up front and honest with, would become a friend. We emailed and chatted quite a bit before meeting and he and I had gone to lunch and dinner a couple times as well. He knew I was getting close to telling my wife but I was not in constant contact with him. Well, the day I told her, I emailed and texted a few people that were aware of my situation. He was one of those people. He did not say one word. No response whatsoever. I sent him a text a few days later asking if he had gotten my email and the text did not get a response either. This was pretty disappointing. No, it was very disappointing. I honestly did not see myself dating him but I was very much hoping that he would let me into his gay world.

Let me say this: If anyone, whether I know them well or not, ever takes the time to personally tell me that they just came out, they are going to get a response from me. It is just the right thing to do.


I received another long email from Mom last week. I am not going to post it because it is very long and there is not much new with it. She is struggling and I am going to let things simmer down for now.

Mom cannot understand how I can know that I am gay unless I have had sex with a guy. Mom and I have never been extremely close and I will not get into my thoughts, what I have and have not done with a guy or my timeline with all of this with Mom. Mom is completely unaware of the massive intimacy problems in my marriage as well. Not to sound mean, but none of this is any of her business and is extremely personal. I do not want to go into details about the above with my wife either as I do not want to hurt her more than I already have. She knows that I have not had sex with a guy and knows that I had thoughts beginning last year. I see no reason to go further than that and I am not sure that she wants to know (she is not asking). I have always prided myself in being open and honest and this entire thing bothers the hell out of me but I know that keeping my mouth shut in this case will be better for everyone. I do not think I am wrong here but I guess time will tell.

Mom also latched on to statement that I made in my original letter that I am sometimes in denial. She seems to think that amounts to doubt, but I do not agree. Are there days I wake up and think this is all a bad dream? Yes. Is that doubt? No.

Finally, Mom seems to think there is no way my wife is doing well with all of this since Mom is not and I am just wrong for thinking that she is. Well, I see my wife every day and spend lots of time with her and she seems to be doing very well. There will be ups and downs, like there will be for me, but I think she knows that we will both be better off in the future and takes comfort that I have not been having a sordid affair or been screwing around for years. She thinks that I handled all of this in the best possible way and I agree. Looking back I would not change anything, because this was a process and all of the steps were necessary. I will get into the other steps in later posts.

My wife told me that Mom is seeing a counselor about all of this and that is probably good. I love my Mom and want her to be happy and get through this but I am not going to leave my comfort zone with her. That is selfish, but I have to take care of myself first in all of this.

I saw Dad at work last week. All was well but we did not talk about any of this thank god. I’d like to keep it that way and I suspect that he may also. As you saw in his message, he is there if I need him but I feel more comfortable leaning on people other than my parents.

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Yikes! Work is just killing me. I have stuff I want to post about but it is going to have to wait. I do want to post the two emails I received from the parents last night. First, Mom. I tried to delete parts of it that were not at all relevant, but it is still really long:

Dear Eliot,
As you might imagine, I have tons of questions. I am trying to get some kind of handle on this and find myself struggling. I really have only your letter to go on and, of course, many things were left out of that letter. I thought about nothing but this all weekend. Mostly, I don’t understand the certainty that you are feeling in what seems to be such a limited amount of time. I am certainly not in any position to know how your marriage to (her) was going other than what I saw when I would visit. I was envious of what I saw. Now, I am just very confused. I remember the stories of how you first met her. How you followed her around and turned up everywhere at her elbow. How, to my knowledge, she was the first girl to really steal your heart. And, it seemed like you were pretty miserable when the two of you split up for a while. Have you even thought about a separation? Is divorce the only option? I have to be honest with you. I very selfishly do not want to lose (her). But, this isn’t about me. It certainly affects my life and what I anticipated my life to be, but it really isn’t about me.

I am emailing back and forth with (her) and am in awe of how she is handling this thus far. I do not think I would be as gracious. Maybe that’s an age thing or maybe it is my issues with the past getting mixed with the issues of today.

I would like to ask that you not share this with (my brother) for a while simply because I feel he already has a great amount of stuff going on in his life. Anyway, it is just a request. Of course, if his dad knows and you think he may say something to (him), then certainly it would be better coming from you.

I am also wondering if you are completely “happy” with the therapist and trust what he/she is saying. Is he/she one who agrees with everything you say, or does he/she attempt to have you look at things from many different angles? Sometimes they are very influential. Would you even want to consider seeing another one to see if the outcome is the same? And, by outcome, I mean your thought processes. I also have to wonder if you are under extraordinary pressure at work? And, was (my wife) wanting to start a family? I thank God that you didn’t already have children together.

I don’t know how long you have been having these thoughts. I don’t know if you have acted upon those thoughts. I don’t know why after just a few months, you feel so strongly and so positively certain of yourself that you send me a letter via overnight mail. I understand that conveys the seriousness of the content, but it also puts a spin of urgency that I am not understanding. I know that when you make up your mind about something, you become very focused on attaining that goal whatever that goal may be and in the shortest amount of time possible. You can afford to take your time on something of this magnitude, can’t you?

Again, I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to write that letter. The fact that it was handwritten was not lost on me. I understand from the letter that you are certainly having problems with guilt. I wonder what other feelings you are experiencing.

In the end, I want you and (my wife) to both be happy. I don’t want either of you scarred for life from this, but I can’t control any of that. Unless you are trying to keep up appearances of still being together, wouldn’t a separation be called for? Of course, I don’t know the particulars so (my wife) may not even be amiable to that course of action. It’s true though – sometimes you really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. If it’s not already too late, it certainly seems that the two of you are worth exploring every option.

Love, Mom

The above email frustrated me. I know she is having difficulty with all of this but I wish she’d accept it or at least read my letter again. I know these things take time and she clearly has not accepted it yet and has a long way to go. I will wait a few days to reply to her. I have lots more to say about her message, hopefully tomorrow.

Okay, Dad’s email, which I looked at when I got to work this morning. It almost made me cry.

Dear Eliot,

I’m sorry I didn’t read your letter sooner. We just got back into town about 1030PM and I just picked it up from under the mountain of mail that has collected since Thursday.

It is all OK. I love you. There is nothing different between today and yesterday. I only care about your well being. I just shared with (my step mom) (after you mentioned in your letter it was OK) and she feels the same way. I agree with your thoughts that you do not share this with others. As you know, I believe one’s personal life is private to them, unfortunately others do not necessarily feel the same although I have never understood it.

You should not feel fault or guilt. You are a wonderful person and that does not change.

I know this is far more difficult for you than for me and I am available anytime to talk about whatever you choose.

I Love You,


I am pleased that he, too, is supportive. I figured he would be, but always had those “what if” thoughts since he is also my employer.

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That was the text on an air freshener that was hanging on the rear view mirror of the car parked next to me at the mall today. People walking by must have been wondering what I was laughing at while getting into my car.

I had a really busy weekend, mostly because of work. I finally completed an online class I have been putting off. This was the last module (most were classroom sessions) needed to obtain a pretty prestigious certification for work. The class was supposed to take 8 hours but I got it done in about half that time, probably because it was designed for people close to twice my age. I just need to apply for the certification now and it will be mine. Yay me! I also spent a few hours working on a small project for a big convention we hare having this week. I will be glad when it is over as the entire event is my responsibility and is making my life more stressful than it needs to be.

For that upcoming event I bought a new suit and dress shirt at the mall today. It probably isn’t as hip as Eric’s new outfit, but I am clearly not the fashionista that he is. The suit is a navy pinstripe Calvin Klein model and the shirt a Nordstrom white dress shirt that I do not have to iron- sweet!). I’ll probably wear my Timberland dress shoes and I haven’t decided on the tie or boxers I will be wearing yet. LOL. Thankfully I virtually never have to suit up but this event on Thursday warrants it. I finished the evening by going to dinner with my wife, who already has a cold, and she has only been back at school for two weeks. Damn sickly middle school kids!

I was completely thrilled that OJ was locked up today. Hopefully, he won’t wriggle out of these charges and will serve some prison time.

I learned Friday night that a group of thugs had thrown a 16-year-old transgender girl through a plate glass window in DC Thursday night. One of said thugs (a 17-year-old male) was promptly arrested and it was reported that he had been arrested twice last week for throwing bricks at cars being operated by gay men. Now, how the hell do you get arrested three times in one week? Are you that fucking slow that you cannot run from the police or do you just not give a damn? Regardless, he has now been charged with a hate crime and remains in jail. The other thugs apparently got away, so many he is just a fat thug that cannot run fast. I used to have quite a bit of involvement with a local police department, as a volunteer cop, and instances like this make me think about getting involved again. That is a post for another time.

I was remiss last night in not mentioning that I have great parents and I appreciated Mom’s response to my letter. She loves my wife so this entire mess will be hard on Mom too. I have not heard from Dad yet.

My goal this week with this blog is to get into my Cast of Characters a little bit and begin to post about how I came to discover that I am gay.

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